Looking for a Wonderful Pet? Try a Climate Change Denier!

I have a new pet, I want you to know. And he is a sweet, loving, terrific addition to my household, just what I’ve been needing.

Last month I adopted me a climate change denier.

My climate change denier is so thoroughly clueless, so totally out of touch with reality and comprehension of truth that he thinks a schlub like me is the most important being in the world. And to him, I am.

How could any creature of a sentient nature be so ignorant? He’s a climate change denier. He’ll believe anything!

When I come home each evening my climate change denier — I’ve named him Lindsay — is thrilled to see me. He leaps up and down, licks my face, and barks out “climate change is a hoax, daddy!”

And I nod my head in assent. Why not? He’s my little cutey wooty climate change denier!

I pat him vigorously on the head and massage him behind the ears and he licks my hand. As I plop down on the couch, Lindsay plants himself at my feet, ass wagging back and forth with joy and looking at me like I am a great big juicy liberal bone of contention!

“Who’s a good climate change denier?” I say affectionately, “Who’s a good little climate change denier? Who’s the best climate change denier in the whole wide world?! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!”

I know what Lindsay wants now. I reach beside the couch and pick up the “Mitch McConnell Chew Toy” and squeeze it.

“The Green New Deal is nonsense,” it squeaks. “I will never bring it to a vote.”

“Go, get it, Lindsay” I shout and toss the Mitch McConnell chew toy across the room.

Lindsay chases it gleefully, scoops it up in his mouth by its bulbous turkey neck, and trots it back to me, dumping it in my lap. Oh, god, it’s fun!

When it’s time to go for a walk I put a leash on Lindsay and out we go. After all he’s been cooped up all day with no one to spout his ridiculous paranoid theories to. When we pass other climate change deniers out for a walk he pulls on his leash and growls at them “Climate change models are all unreliable,” and the others growl back:

“Right! There’s no valid correlation between rising temperatures and CO2 emissions,”

and

“So true, all we’re talking about are normal variations in world temperature,”

and

“Damn environmentalists out to get President Trump!”

When Lindsay finds a desirable spot, he does his business, preferring highly littered areas around gas stations, dry cleaners, or any restaurant offering plastic straws. A gentle tug and we return home.

Later when I climb into bed Lindsay climbs in beside me, nuzzles up to me and murmurs:

“Humans aren’t causing climate change, Daddy. There’s just no woof … I mean proof.”

Then Lindsay falls softly asleep at my side. And I get a warm and fuzzy feeling like nothing else you can imagine.

Do the right-wing diatribes become a bit annoying? Of course, but if you’re looking for a wonderful pet, I’d still recommend you consider a climate change denier. Where else could you find a faithful companion so gullible as to believe you and I are worthy of such unconditional love?

Then again maybe consider a dog. I hear they don’t have any opinions at all.