Love Languages of Amorphous Blob Monsters
You form an arm and hand to pick up a speeding car and tear off a door. “She loves me.”
You tear off the hood. “She loves me not.”
One by one you tear apart the whole car until all that’s left is the screaming human inside. “She loves me!”
But then why does she never show it?
Why does she never want to merge with you to form a Super-Blob? Why does she instead drag you into her trips to corrode a nearby human town’s power lines?
Well, before doubting the conclusion you reached by plucking a car chassis off, perhaps consider that your partner’s love language simply differs from yours.
You see, Amorphous Blob Monsters express their love in three main ways:
1. Assimilation:
If you can see eyeballs and skeletons floating in your partner’s insides all the time, chances are that they feel happiest when consuming lifeforms to grow larger and stronger.
Show them you care about their needs by helping them become bigger. Buy a nice box of chocolates, wrap it in ooze, and leave it next to your partner while they sleep. With luck, a human trying to get to the chocolates will become stuck in the ooze, and your partner will wake up to a nice bundle of organic matter to assimilate!
Maybe surprise your partner with jewelry. The high material density of gold and precious gems makes for a very high amount of matter packed into a small, tasty treat.
Of course, if you want to go all-out on a grand gesture, you can always indulge your partner’s need for assimilation by temporarily merging into one Super-Blob. This is great for resolving arguments too. Can’t decide who takes out the trash and who does the dishes? Merge into one and enjoy having literally the same thoughts and opinions!
2. Ambushing Humans:
Many Blob Monsters love long moonlit walks on the beach with their partner, searching for lone stragglers to pounce on.
These Blob Monsters may also want to spend quality time sticking to the ceilings of abandoned buildings with you, as the two of you wait for an unsuspecting human to enter.
If your partner’s love language is ambushing humans, help them improve their battle effectiveness. A great way to make your partner feel valued is to cling into a corner and morph yourself into a slide that gives your partner a new angle to move in from.
Perhaps take turns spreading out on the floor and hardening your form into a trampoline the other can bounce off from and onto silly humans trying to escape!
Outside of joining your partner in an ambush, appreciate the work they put in self-improvement. If you see lamps, furniture, and a TV swimming in their innards, let them know you admire the effort they put into making humans feel more enthusiastic about being eaten.
Remember: Blob Monsters who ambush humans will always appreciate long, meaningful conversations about battle tactics.
3. Morphing Forms:
We’ve all seen the classic Rom-Coms back on the Mothership: Blob wishes for a partner who will also be their best friend! But hilarious hijinks ensue when the partner goes too far in stealing their best friend’s body form, voice pitch, and ooze patterns.
These movies are so popular because they touch on the third love language: morphing into various shapes and viscosities.
Speak your adventurous partner’s love language by cycling through forms alongside them. If one week is spent thwock-thwocking with giant, gelatinous feet that smash through human infrastructure, spend the next week squelching and sliding around to leave a trail of slime for human cars to slip on!
Surprise your partner with a trip abroad. Not to somewhere exotic. But to everywhere exotic: break into a million pieces together, and attach yourselves to humans who, after they travel abroad, you can consume to absorb their forms. When the vacation ends, merge your pieces back into two blobs, bringing all your experiences together. Time spent on one trip, but experience gained of traveling the world together!
Morphing through shapes with your partner will let them know you value them in all their forms. After all, if you can’t be with a Blob Monster when they’re a puddle of water, do you really deserve them when they’re a mountain of sludge?
