Making My Life Great Again, One Diet Coke at a Time
“What’s on your agenda today?” my wife asked, clutching her lengthy list of to-do items that, daily, seems to grow exponentially as the Christmas holiday approaches. The fact that she was waving the list directly within my line of vision was a direct hint that my response should be, “Whatever you need help with, honey.”
Instead, I threw her a curve. Cracking open a Diet Coke, I said, “Today, I am going to be a leader. It’s time I assert my dominance over this household, and I realize I’ve been going about it the wrong way. Now, where’s the remote?”
“What are you talking about?” she asked. “And why are you drinking Diet Coke at 8 a.m.? Wait, did you just open a SECOND one?”
“I’ll explain momentarily. First, I should pee,” I said, shuffling to the bathroom. Diet Coke has that effect on me.
Upon returning, I said, “I almost forgot. I have a FaceTime call in about 15 minutes with a potential client. So, let’s make this discussion quick.”
“Let’s do it later,” she replied. “If you’re FaceTiming a client, you had better shower. Shave. And get out of your bathrobe.”
I belched loudly, another unfortunate consequence of Coke products. “My attire is fine. Can you move a little to your left? You’re blocking, Fox and Friends.
“Greg, what is … please put down the Diet Coke. What is going on?”
Pulling up the New York Times website on my phone, I showed her a recent article that pulled the cloak off President Donald Trump’s leadership style. Culled from interviews with “60 advisers, associates, friends and members of Congress,” the “failing” New York Times, as Trump often refers to the paper he no doubt reads daily, portrays a commander in chief who guzzles a dozen Diet Cokes per day (Trump denies it), watches up to eight hours of television (another denial) and yes, occasionally conducts business from the White House Treaty Room still dressed in “night clothes” (no comment as of yet).
I, too, have been known to take the occasional conference call in my jammies. I share Trump’s affinity for Diet Coke, although I draw the line at two per day. And, being self-employed, I have the luxury of flipping on the TV at any hour, should I choose.
“So, I’m really not that far off from running my business like Trump runs the country,” I said. “Just need to ramp it up a bit.”
“But you HATE Trump,” my wife reminded me. “Why would you want to emulate him?”
“I hate swimming too. But I do it twice a week because it gets results,” I said, reminding her of my 5-pound weight loss since I strapped on a pair of goggles last month and began doing laps while a group of ladies, all at least 70, two lanes over did something called “water-cise” while trying not to laugh at my form. And, as the article points out, Trump is determined to show the country his governing style is bearing results. This despite House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) labeling Trump “utterly unprepared” for the role of president and, in the article, calling his lack of knowledge “bewildering.”
“I’ve said all along that I was willing to give Trump the benefit of the doubt,” I reminded my wife. “And you voted for him so you should be all in favor of this experiment. That reminds me: For Christmas Eve can we forego the turkey and have something else?”
“Like what?
“Like steak, salad with Roquefort dressing and bacon crumbles, and extra ice cream. That’s what the article says Trump likes.
“That’s more fat than your daughters consumed in all of 2017,” my wife said, referring to our health-conscious girls. “Exactly how long do you plan to continue this ‘Be Like Trump’ experiment?”
I took a swig from Diet Coke number five and headed once more to the bathroom. “Until I make my business great again.”
“Your business is already great,” she said.
“Then I don’t know. I do know it won’t last forever.”
Spoken like a true Democrat.
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator of the web series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.”
