Martin Van Buren Was So Hot
Little Magician, Make Those Clothes Disappear
Martin Van Buren. Oooooooh mama. He’s so fine. Damn. Just look at this guy. He’s got me acting up. DAMN! Okay hold on, to allow myself the opportunity to make this article cohesive, I have to start with a cold shower. Please excuse me.
Alright, I believe I’m settled. I apologize for my lack of composure in the presence of greatness. This man pictured above is Martin Van Buren, 8th President of the United States of America, AKA my historical hall pass. This bad boy was elected president in 1836, the sexiest of years. I mean, that’s the year of the Alamo. Someone hand me a fan cause I’m sweating.
In his first year of presidency, the panic of 1837 hit. Hundred of banks shut down. Can you think of anything that makes a man hotter than being responsible for the economy that destroyed banks? Hubba Hubba! We’re in a depression? Tell me more Mr. President. The economy is in a cyclical pattern of boom and bust? You can boom and bust me whenever you’d like Mr. Van Buren.
Van Buren was frequently called the “little magician” because he was 5 foot 6 and could make the impossible happen. For a guy who’s 5 foot 6, the impossible refers to getting my attention which he was able to do over and over and over again.
If you’re still not picking up what I’m plopping down, take a look at the dude. The luscious locks on just the side of his head, rife with youth and nutrients. The bewitching schnoz that would get in the way of a kiss, but you wouldn’t even mind, you’d even like it a little bit. The piercing eyes that say “yes” even when his soft, supple, sensual lips are saying “The less government interferes with private pursuits, the better for general prosperity”. I want him so bad.
All of you dirty hoes are immature and foolish. Obama is not “zaddy” Reagan is not a “republican succubus”. You do not want William Howard Taft to “sit on your face”. Martin Van Buren is top dawg around here. He is a blessing from God so that we as a society may redefine our beauty standards in accordance with His image. If Van Buren were alive today he would not have been a politician, he would have been a rock star, taking body shots off of 18 year olds and snorting coke off Ozzy Osbourne's rod. Most importantly, Martin Van Buren was a gentle lover. And he always stayed after for pillow talk and made me pancakes in the morning. I wish he would call me back.
