Masturbating Might Just Be Your Patriotic Duty

If the alt-right says it’s bad, it must be good, right?

Ashley Peterson
Nov 13 · 3 min read

Recently on the Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Michael Costa did a segment on what may be fuelling some of the anger raging away on the alt-right — not masturbating.

I found this rather fascinating, and was curious to know more.

The Proud Boys

One group you’ve got is the Proud Boys, who believe that not masturbating increases their testosterone, thus making them more attractive to women. James Knight could explain the finer details of ejaculatory frequency and testosterone, but I’ll just leave it at *cough* *cough* *bullshit*.

According to Wikipedia, the Proud Boys organization was started in 2016 by Vice co-founder Gavin McInnes. While at least nominally the group is not racist, they are pro-violence and believe that men and Western culture are under attack. Part of their 4-step initiation process is a pledge to not masturbate, also known as #NoWanks.

An article on Vox describes the Proud Boys as “the shock troops of the weirdo right.” And their trigger fingers have got to be itching from the lack of wanking.

Duke-in’ it out

Then you’ve got David Duke, who thinks that pornography is a Jewish conspiracy to keep other men too busy depositing semen into socks to send it in the direction of any nearby uteri.

I decided to have a look at David Duke’s website to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth. If I had any doubts about the former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan being a nutbar (in a very non-psychiatric sense), those were quickly laid to rest.

Duke writes that “the Jewish porn kings are motivated not just by money but by racial hatred against Europeans.” While I have no desire to provide David Duke’s website with a backlink, but here is the URL in text form: https://davidduke.com/the-great-porn-experiment-one-more-devastating-jewish-globalist-influence/

Wankers unite

Of course there’s nothing left over to keep the violent urges in check.

On the other hand, if you spend a quiet afternoon in dialling the rotary phone, who’s thinking about heading out to hand out some beatings in the evening?

Let’s say you’re stressed out because you blame the Jewish guy next door for being in charge of the worldwide porn industry — paddling the pink canoe can be a great stress reliever.

You’ve worked hard all week, and do you really want to spend the energy to go out protesting? Or do you want to stay home debugging the hard drive, and once you’ve got that all sorted out, clicking the home page? I’ll take the latter, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, I doubt these “shock troops from the weirdo right” are going to take it from me that they need to spend some time auditioning the finger puppets.

That leaves it up to the rest of us to do our patriotic duty to protect the free world. Say #NoThanks to #NoWanks, one visit to the safety deposit box at a time.

Thanks to Mashable for the creative synonyms for wanking.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Ashley Peterson

Written by

Mental health blogger, nurse, living with depression. Author of Making Sense of Psychiatric Diagnosis and Psych Meds Made Simple. https://mentalhealthathome.org

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade