Melania Trump’s To-Do List

1. Have cyanide capsule embedded in pinkie nail at next manicure.

2. Find a picture of Tiffany to display somewhere in the house.

3. Apply Vaseline to hands before next public handholding opportunity.

4. Order more caviar.

5. Pay doctor to remove pre-existing conditions from medical records.

6. Email Barron’s teacher, reminding her she is going to strongly recommend he not change schools in the fall.

7. Learn to speak Russian.

8. Send Barron’s teacher an Omaha Steaks gift basket.

9. Dump remaining bottles of Trump Ice water and fill with vodka.

10. Check pre-nuptial agreement again. I have to stay how many years to get the cash??

11. Install a second deadbolt on my bedroom door.

12. Determine if I really have to participate in this White House Christmas tree nonsense.

13. Have a timeline of American presidents and important historical events posted in the Oval. For reference.

14. Burn honorary degree from Trump University.

15. Call cable company and have Fox News removed from our package.

16. Check balance of secret bank accounts in Caymans, Brazil, and Cyprus.

17. Plan next important social event to take place on the Sabbath (no Ivanka/Jared).

18. Order extra shrimp for said event.

19. Find out if my White House bedroom has deadbolt or maybe fingerprint key pad.

20. Help Donald practice putting his hand over his heart for national anthem.

21. Only plagiarize speeches from obscure Slovenian writers moving forward.

22. Ask Secret Service again about blocking tweets sent from White House residence.

23. Remove Russian flag from Donald’s private study.

24. Remind assistant to polish diamonds.

25. Find out if panic room at Mar-a-Lago is complete.

26. Learn names of Ivanka’s children.

27. Refill Donald’s meds. Increase dosage??

28. Double check that my wig and alternate passport are in the safe.

29. Have private bedroom built in Air Force One.

30. Shop for shoes.

31. Count money in the “locker room talk” swear jar.

32. Erase mustache I drew on Don Jr’s photo.

33. Shop for bags.

34. Add Steve Bannon to the doorman’s banned list.

35. Hide the remote.

36. Remind Eric that Donald doesn’t like him using his bathroom while he’s away and would prefer it not be called The Throne Room.

37. Look again for Donald’s Twitter password. Maybe try in his golf bag? Behind the Andrew Jackson portrait?

38. Shop for more sunglasses.

39. Practice smiling.

40. Make sure divorce lawyer is still on retainer.