#MeTooed Movement Reframes Narrative
Victimized abusive males lash out against accusers
Gaining momentum overnight, the #MeTooed movement seeks to shake the shackles of women’s accusations against men in power. “It doesn’t have to be power,” said Rob Porter after stepping down from his position as White House staff secretary. “Just a supervisory position, or in my case, just one of encouraging the women you love to stop that silly, childish feminine behavior.”
Porter denies having anything to do with starting the #MeTooed movement, but Politifact verified the first three #MeTooed Tweets originated from the accounts of Porter, Judge Roy Moore and the President. The Tweets were sent at exactly the same time.
“My sympathies to the men who lost so much when whiny women fake news ambushed them,” POTUS Tweeted. “Scary women with too much time and a lust for power. I know because so many #MeTooed me!”
Porter Tweeted: “It’s a sad day when loving guidance is sold to the Fake News as abuse. Women abuse men in so many more ways. Including public shaming. #MeTooed.”
Moore contributed: “Surprised to learn how much Weinstein and I have in common. Thought he was a slimy Democrat until all those women #MeTooed him too. We never listened to women in the good old days. Why start now?”
Roy Moore: “Surprised to learn how much Weinstein and I have in common. Thought he was a slimy Democrat until all those women #MeTooed him too. We never listened to women in the good old days. Why start now?”
POTUS followed up with: “When this is over someone will be in jail and it won’t be the victims of this fake news slander. I guarantee. #MeTooed.” The Tweet contained a Photoshopped image of actress Rose McGowan behind bars. Porter and Moore retweeted with the comment (as though in unison), “Lock them up. #MeTooed”
The outburst sparked more than 200,000 Tweets by Friday morning, “Twenty times the first night of #MeToo Tweets,” the President Tweeted later. #MeTooed Tweets included:
- “My hand slipped into her panties accidentally when I kissed her at her desk. She cried harassment.”
- “I touched her boob. It was a compliment, but she cried fowl.”
- “Sure she said ‘no,’ a dozen times, but I thought it was role playing. Now she wants child support.”
- “I said she had great tits and she didn’t file a complaint. When I stuck my hand in her bra to see if they were real a week later, she got a lawyer.”
The President called for a special task force to investigate the abuse of sexual harassment complaints following the wave of #MeTooed Tweets. “It’s time to get back to business as usual,” he told reporters who asked about Porter’s leaving. “Business is usual meaning mouths shut, fingers typing, take the deal if you’re convinced — wrongly as aways — you were harassed. The men in charge are in a better position to decide what’s abuse and what’s proper supervision and opportunity to advance.”
“It’s time to get back to business as usual. Business is usual meaning mouths shut, fingers typing, take the deal if you’re convinced — wrongly as aways — you were harassed.
We contacted actresses Alyssa Milano and Rose McGowan for comments, but they declined. Milano refused to “dignify any filth from that man’s mouth by continuing the conversation.” McGowan shut off her phone. Milano’s office later sent a press release announcing her deal to produce a Lifetime TV movie about a serial abuser, elected to the White House, who unleashes his allies on unsuspecting women.
Politifact claims the President’s math is off by a factor of four since more than fifty thousand women Tweeted #MeToo the first night of the campaign, far more than the five percent he claimed. An inside source at the White House suggested that many of the #MeTooed Tweets were reTweets of previous Tweets, possibly by low-level aids called in to work overtime “on another hair-brained, half-assed scheme by the Combover King.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
