Mid-Western University to Remain Exhaustingly Liberal After Disagreement Over Fall 2024 Curriculum Changes Spills Out in Epic Brawl
Unwilling to resolve key differences on how to properly view established principles concerning Brain-Based Learning, Epistemology, and Qualitative vs. Quantitative Research, Education Professors Kurt Neilsen, 54, and Walter Beckman, 61, both lost control of their tempers at a conference meeting earlier this month on the top floor of an administrative building at a university located in Central Wisconsin.
During the process of planning which courses should be restructured for extremely burned-out students desperately wanting nothing more than to finish their Social Sciences Degrees and find low-paying jobs completely unrelated to anything they’ve studied in the past couple years, Beckman, a long-time supporter of the Cognitive Learning Approach, lost his temper when Neilsen suggested a new class based on Constructivism.
After arguing (rather loudly) that current research on humanistic-based learning was not up to date in any of the 1950s scholarly journals that he could find, Beckman grabbed a 476-page book titled, “Sub-Theories of Human Understanding,” and smashed Neilson in the face with it.
Extremely angry and unwilling to take any more of Beckman’s shit, Neilsen wiped the splattered blood off his face, retorted with the fact that Behaviorism is an outdated model of learning that no longer works, and then kicked his long-time, conservative colleague directly in the balls.
Much to the chagrin of onlooking administrators in the room, Walter amazingly caught his breath and then eloquently proclaimed that current models of self-actualization are unprincipled and theoretically unsound before relentlessly charging into the ‘liberal-minded’ Kurt and knocking him out of his chair.
Refusing to tap out after the hideous blow, Neilsen (although heavily fatigued) managed grab a student writing sample out of his pocket titled, “The Potential of Transformative Understanding: A Connectivism Approach to Knowlege in the 21st Century,” before using it to give Walter a really bad paper cut that sent him reeling back.
Foaming at the mouth while in complete denial that experiential learning approaches based on collaboration would be a possible teaching method, Walter then grabbed Kurt’s long and graying beard and used it to bounce his head off the table.
Suddenly remembering his doctoral thesis on “The Disadvantages Of Lectures Based On Faulty Inter-Disciplinary Approaches In Mid-20th Century America,” Kurt found the inner-strength to get up, throw a left hook at Walter, and then hurl him directly through the door of the conference room.
After the fight spilled out into the hallway in front of extremely depressed summer school students who were simply trying to earn a few credits before transferring to different schools, both men rolled down the stairs and continued pounding the shit out of each-other before Neilsen successfully used what remained of his strength to throw Beckman down an empty elevator shaft.
Sources later confirmed the Neilsen’s profoundly innovative, exhausting, and labor-insensitive courses will be successfully unleased upon already confused and socially isolated undergraduates next Fall.
