Misperception

For Christmas, my sister gave me a charcoal-gray sweater from J Crew, and I have to admit, I look sharp in it. Yesterday I wore my sweater to the diner. I ordered a BLT and after eating, I sipped my coffee and read the news, and noticed that several people were noticing me. I guess charcoal-gray is a color that complements my features. The hostess, in particular, couldn’t take her eyes off of me. She was young and pretty, with a long, slim waist and high Russian cheekbones, and she stared at me with a slight snarl, as if she wanted to eat me up.

“I really have to get more sweaters from J Crew,” I told myself.

This hostess was so into me that I decided to ask her out on a date, but before I could, she sauntered to the side of my table and whispered in my ear.

“Listen fella,” she said, “I got a lot of people waiting for this booth, so do you mind taking your old ass somewhere else to read the newspaper? You’re costing us money.”

“Well uh — I wanted to ask you something.“

“What?”

“Well, would you like to go out for a drink sometime?”

“No numbskull. I’d like you to give up the table. Pronto!”

She went back to her post by the register and continued to snarl at me. What can I say? I thought she was into my new sweater. I can’t always be right.