Moany In The Middle
Psst! I’m gonna let you into a little secret. Us men like a good moan. Only the other day I were moaning about the price of petrol. I can’t drive and I don’t own a car. What am I like eh?
The music biz is a fertile field full of so-called male recording ‘artistes’ having a right old moan. What about? Romantic shit of course, and specifically, the missus.
Just then I was actually poking fun at men who call their wives/girlfriends the miss…. Ne’ermind.
1st Person: Presumably you have (music) video evidence of these romantic moans?
Me: Indubitably. Finally I get to use that word.
1st Person: Correctly?
Me: Define ‘correctly’?
DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince — Girls Ain’t Nothing But Trouble
Apparently Will Smith is a good actor. However, Will Smith is not a good Rapper, his flow is wacksadaisical. I would not say that to Big Willie’s face though, for, well, obvious reasons.
On this not so little gem he illustrates how he hasn’t got the skills to pay the bills. The Fresh Prince, as he was then, does not know what brevity is, and thus his rhymes are soporific like that musical South Pacific.
Perversely, during the mercifully brief (compared to the others) final verse, his chief beef is that the girl takes too long to get ready. Pot calling the kettle wack.
Sample lyric: “Listen homeboys don’t mean to bust your bubble, But girls of the world ain’t nothing but trouble.”
Moany scale: Moan alone.
Whitesnake — Fool for Your Loving
Lead singer David Coverdale immediately establishes his Bad Boy cred with the opening line, “I was born under a bad sign.” Why he needs to establish his Bad Boy cred when Hard Rock is full of Bad Boys, is anyone’s guess. Anyway, his chief complaint seems to be he fell for a Bad Girl. Bad Boy = USP (Unique Selling Point). Bad Girl = USP (Unattractive Selling Point). What a wuss.
Dave also omits to mention that this girlfriend let him live rent free round hers and supported him when he was in-between jobs (unemployed) pursuing his dream of becoming a “rock star.”
Sample lyric: “I’m so tired of trying I always end up crying.”
Moany scale: Moany McMoanyface.
Alexander O’Neal — Criticize
Like many a mid 80s American R&B singer, Alex fancied himself as being a bit of a lothario. Why on earth he spent so much time with this particular woman, when he knows that there are plenty more fish in the sea, is baffling. I mean, Alex is a real life serial fish fucker isn’t he? He wouldn’t be making that shit up, would he?
Squire O’Neal isn’t at all embarrassed as he incessantly moans about how, she apparently, incessantly moans.
1st Person: At least his band is all female.
Me: Get fucked.
Sample lyric: “I’m fed up ’cause all you wanna do is criticize.”
Moany scale: Like a Dog with a Moan.
Electronic — Getting Away With It
If there’s one thing us Brits do well, it’s Wet Indie (music). Usuallly characterised by jangly guitars and a singer with a singing style that screams, sorry, scream is too passionate. A singing style that sighs, “I really really can’t be arsed to sing.” Throw in some moany lyrics and you have the perfect Wet Indie cocktail.
Although Electronic hide behind the word ‘Electronic,’ they fool no one. Electronic, thy name is Wet Indie.
Sample lyric: “However I look, it’s clear to see, That I love you more than you love me.”
Moany scale: Whiny fucking maggots.
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