Mob Rules!
Protestor: What do we want?!?
Protestors: What we want!
Protestor: When do we want it?!?
Protestors: Now!
MP [sighing]: Infamy infamy, they’ve all got it in for me….
Protestor: Here she is! How dare you show you’re face!
Protestors: Shame, on, you! Shame, on, you!
MP: Please, please. What do you want?
Protestor: The very fact you say that, show’s how out of touch MPs really are!
Protestors: Out, of, touch! Out, of touch!
Protestor: You’re our MP!
MP: Am I? Are any of you in my constituency? Do any of you actually vote?
Protestor: Irrelevant!
Protestor [muttering]: What the fuck’s a consistentantcy?
MP: Actually it’s very relevant.
Protestor: I am! I’m in your constituency! [nudging Protestor next to them] So are you. We live in the same area.
Protestor: Yeah! Yeah! I’m Spartacus!
Protestor: I’m Spar….
Protestor: Not now. Even though it is completely irrelevant, there are people present who are members of your constituency.
MP: OK, so what do you want?
Protestor: We want you to say what we want, word for word, and to do what we want you to do, exactly how we describe it!
MP: That’s very specific….
Protestor: So’s what we’re protesting about!
Protestors: Give us what we want! Give us what we want!
Protestor: You should know better!
Protestor: You’re a mother!
Protestor: So much for the sisterhood!
Protestor: You call yourself a feminist!
Protestor: So much for empathy with other mums!
MP: A lot of your attacks….
Protestor: We are not attacking you! How dare you say that!
MP: A lot of what you are saying is based on the fact that I’m a woman. As a woman, have you identified me as an easy target?
Protestor: Not at all, we simply hold you to a higher standard than men.
MP: Literally sexist.
Protestor: Besides, men don’t have babies.
Protestor: Well, you say that….
MP: On occasion I have found members of your community intimidating and abusive.
Protestor: We are not intimidating. We are not abusive.
Protestor: Why the fuck would she say that?!? Hanging’s too good for her.
[silence]
MP: Are you not going to challenge that?
Protestor: The vast vast, vast majority of our community is not intimidating or abusive. However, if there’s anyone in our community, I doubt there is, who has said anything, unfortunate, the authorities will deal with them.
MP: Or, you could deal with it now.
Protestor: We are not the authorities.
MP: At football matches football fans will often challenge other fans using unacceptable language when verbally abusing players. Why can’t you do the same?
Protestor: This is not a football match. None of us are football fans.
Protestor: Eh! You know I follow County.
Protestor: I repeat; none of us are football fans.
MP: What happens if I don’t do what you want?
[silence]
Protestor: Pass us the folder….
Protestor [passing folder]: There you go boss….
Protestor [flicking pages]: Bear with me…. Right, here we are. We reserve the right to flood your email Inbox with emails demanding you change your mind, we reserve the right to write you multiple letters demanding you change your mind, we reserve the right to target you on social media….
MP: I’ve come off social media.
Protestor: That needs updating. [flicks page] We reserve the right to, if we see you out in public, to ask you why you do not agree with our position. We then reserve the right to follow you so we can ask you again and again and again and again….
MP: I get the idea….
Protestor: Don’t interrupt! ….and again and again and again and again, why you do not agree with our position. We reserve the right to protest outside your constituency office…
MP: Yes, we’ve already had all that. To be fair, one or two of you could’ve come to see me at a surgery to have a calm discuss….
Protestor: The NHS is in crisis!
MP: Oh, kay. So, what happens if I still don’t change my mind?
Protestor [flicking pages]: Bear with me…. We reserve the right to go through you’re family history seeking to identify persons whose activities or employment will form part of a conspiracy theory that will explain you’re attitudes towards the issue we’re raising. We reserve the right to investigate your previous employment and previous and current activities to form a conspiracy theory that will explain you’re attitudes towards the issue we’re raising. We reserve the right to examine photos and footage of you shaking hands with others to see if you are a Mason. We reserve the right to publish all our findings on social media….
MP: As I said, I’ve come off social media.
Protestor: That needs updating. [flicks page] ….We reserve the right to protest outside your house…
MP: Hold on now. The right to protest is a fundamental right, but I do not want that protest right on my doorstep.
Protestor: You’re not the boss of me!
Protestors: You’re not the boss! You’re not the boss!
MP: OK. OK. What if I do change my mind?
[silence]
Protestor [flicking pages]: I’m sure I saw… Got it. Here, hand these around. [gives out slips of paper to fellow protestors]
Protestor [reading slip of paper]: Too little too late!
Protestor [reading slip of paper]: You should’ve done this in the first place!
Protestor [reading slip of paper]: Inadequate!
Protestor [reading slip of paper]: Finally, you’ve come to your senses!
Protestor [reading slip of paper]: I’ll take no lessons, from, you???
MP: This is ridiculous!
Protestor: You’re ridiculous!
Protestors: Ridic, cu, louse! Ridic, cu, louse!
MP: You!
Protestor: Who? Me?
MP: Yes, you. Did I not help you secure funding for that community arts project?
Protestor: No idea what you’re talking about duck.
MP: You, yes you! Did I not sponsor your campaign to get that zebra crossing built near your children’s school?
Protestor: Not got kids.
MP: All of you! I helped secure funding to regenerate our high street!
Protestor: Everyone shops online!
MP: We can’t agree to disagree? So what’s the plan? You campaign against me next election? Should I fear for my job?
[silence]
Protestors: Get, her, out! Get, her, out!
MP: In my defence….
Protestor: Here we go, ‘self defence.’
MP: ….I’m a good constituency MP. Does none of that count for anything?
[silence]
Protestor: What does it count for?!?
Protestors: Fuck all!
Protestor: What does it mean?!?
Protestors: Fucking less!
MP: I’m a valuable community resource. You’ll miss me when I’ve gone.
Protestor: We’ve heard enough! You! Go to Wilkos and buy some red paint.
Protestor: Wilkos is shut down.
Protestor: Fuck’s sake.
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Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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