Mob Rules (Thug Life)
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Meanwhile on the streets near one of ‘those’ protests….
Me [muttering]: ….I’m sure, contrary to the media portrayal, these people are very approachable. Actually, I’m getting a strange sense of déjà vu all over again….
Me: That explains it…. Ay up! So, lads and lasses…. To be fair, you’re all lads. Anyway, what’s going off here then?
Protestor: Hold on a sec…. [scrolls on smartphone]
Me: Ooo, very modern.
Protestor: Here we go…. Take our country back.
Protestors: Take our country back!
Me: Is that you Southgating? OK, maybe you think the medal tally so far in Paris is a little disappointing, but to demand Team GB return home early from the Olympics is a bit extreme innit.
Protestor: No. Take our country back.
Protestors: Take our country back!
Me: Not sure they offer refunds.
Protestor: Our country’s been taken over.
Protestors: Our country’s been taken over!
Me: What? By Aldis?
Protestor: No.
Me: Lidls?
Protestor: You know, who by.
Me: Unfortunately, I think I do know who you think has taken over the country. However, have you any actual evidence of this, takeover?
Protestor: Evidence is all around us.
Me: Thanks for narrowing it down. So, what you after then?
Protestor: Hold on…. [reading smartphone] Take off your mask! Actually, that’s the wrong one.
Protestor: Fucking amateur. Look, we’re angry. No one is listening to us.
Me: You seem to be angry about the perception that others are saying you shouldn’t get angry. You choose to express your anger through violence. You are told your violence is unacceptable. You get angrier because you perceive you are being told not to get angry, when in fact you are being told not to get violent.
[silence]
Protestor: We won’t be silenced!
Me: [ducking to avoid flying traffic cone] Clearly not.
Protestor: We’re being victimised.
Protestors: We’re the victims!
Me: Not sure causing public disorder then having the police deal with you makes you a victim. However, I’m sure you’ll be fine. It’s not like you’re wrapped in an identifier, such as an England flag, that would make it easier for police to track you down if you were involved in criminality.
Protestor: Our country has two-tier policing.
Protestors: Two-tier policing!
Me: What exactly do you mean by that?
Protestor: I mean, two-tier, policing.
Me: Yeah, that’s you just repeating what you said. What exactly do you mean by, “Two-tier policing?”
Protestor: Policing that’s, done, with tiers that aren’t one, or….
Protestor: Fuck’s sake. [nudges protestor out the way] It means a mob of Muslims outside a mosque don’t get arrested.
Me: Well, you tend not to get arrested if you are protecting a mosque, however, you can get arrested for attacking a mosque. Look, I don’t wanna tell you what to do, cos I know your community don’t like to be told what to do, well, apart from being told on social media to turn up at a particular time in a particular town or city that ain’t yours to, to…. Why, are you here?
Protestor: We’re protecting our people from outsiders.
Me: Says the man who travelled on a train to get here.
Protestor: We came by bu….!
Protestor: [elbowing protestor in ribs] Fuck’s sake!
Protestor: They’re not welcome!
Protestor: We don’t want them here!
Protestor: They shouldn’t be here!
Me: Is that you quoting locals talking about members of your community invading their neighbourhoods?
Protestor [nudging other protestor]: We, need….
Protestor: I know! We need a discussion about integration.
Me: True. Members of your community are refusing to integrate. [ducking to avoid flying bottle] Told you.
Protestor: What do we want?!?
Protestors: An integration discussion!
Protestor: When do we want it?!?
Protestors: Now!
Me: Mmm. Novel. Some might say you are exploiting tragedy in order to pursue your own agenda.
[silence]
Me [ducking to avoid brick]: Do I look like a Greggs!?!
Protestor: Our issues are real. Issues like…. Shit, I’m running outa data.
Me: Something else you can blame on mass migration?
Protestor [reading off smartphone]: This is not my country.
Protestors: This is not my country!
Me: Well, I think it’s my country. I imagine the vast majority of the country’s population think it’s their country, so, majority rules eh.
Protestor: We’re the silent majority.
Protestors: We’re the silent majority!
Me: You’re fucking not. I’ve never heard so much noise.
Protestor: So we’re not allowed to be angry?
Protestors: We’re not allowed to be angry!
Me: We’ve been through this. As you can see, we’re surrounded by rubble so obviously no one is stopping you, getting, angry, about, about….. Tell us again what you’re protesting about? [muttering] Can you be called protestors?
Protestor: We are, er….
Me: Come on tell me.
Protestor: Wait! I seen it earlier…. [reading off smartphone] Lawless Britain!
Me: Well, you should know. Members of your community torched a police van.
Protestor: Stop being a smartarse. [looking at smartphone] There are legitimate concerns about societal breakdown.
Me: Bizarrely these concerns seem to manifest themselves with an obsession with a particular religious community. Looks prejudiced.
Protestor: How’s it racist to be obsessed with Muslims?
Me: Well, that sentence is a gift to comedy. Although, to be fair to your community, some of your members also seem to be triggered by people who they think are Muslims.
Protestor: Look mate, bottom line is, and you know who I’m talking about when I say this. He ain’t one of us.
Me: Not one of us? He’s British, he was born in Wales.
Protestor: Yeah, like Huw Edwards.
Me: Oh dear.
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Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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