Monologue: I am The Academy, and I am Going to Rank You Now

My dear friends, thank you so much for attending my Oscars watch party this year. I could continue to let you passionately assert that the one nominated film you actually saw should win Best Picture, but let’s not. You are not here to coo over Hollywood’s meaningless superlatives.

Tonight, my friends, I am the Academy.

And I am going to rank you now.

The first category of the night is “Best Text Response to the News That David and I Broke Up.” Our first nominee is Rachel, who sent an impassioned string of sassy Real Housewives GIFs and invited me over for a wine night. Also nominated this year is my college boyfriend Ryan for the text “hey,” which was the first thing he’s said to me in over a year. And finally, Georgia, for her text “Sucks.”

And the winner is Georgia, because that was a totally appropriate response to my deep, emotional trauma.

Oh, what’s that? The cards got mixed up? Silly me. The winner is Rachel, who tried, like, at all.

Sorry, I do not have any trophies for winners tonight, but please feel free to take anything you’d like from my pantry!

Our next category for the night is “Best Boyfriend of One of My Friends.” Our first nominee is Jason, my roommate’s boyfriend, for his work in “Regularly Remembering to Put the Toilet Seat Down.” Also nominated this year is Carter, who says hi to me and remembers my name. The final nominee for “Best Boyfriend of One of My Friends” is my ex, David, who is now dating Georgia, and who recently told me, “this doesn’t have to be, like, all weird or whatever.”

And the Oscar goes to Jason! Feel free to take something of mine from the pantry, which I know you’ve been haplessly doing over the course of the past year anyway.

Well, my friends, fill up you wine glasses. We’ll return shortly for more categories like “Best Small Talker,” “Least Annoying Group Text Member,” “Best At Handling Themselves When Drunk,” and finally, the coveted award of the night, “Best Person.”

We will, of course, conclude the night with a memorial slideshow for all the people who said they were attending and did not show up and are, therefore, now dead to me.

Good luck.