In case you happen to have been living under a rock (or a mustache), Movember is a men’s health initiative that calls on men to grow mustaches every November to raise awareness and money for men’s health promotion.
Why am I bringing this up now?
Simple — if you’re going to seriously rock the ‘stache this Movember, some time and preparation will be required.
I don’t know about the rest of the ladies out there, but I’ve got some pretty high expectations for this Movember. Here’s a selection of mustache warriors that have trailblazed the way so far.
There’s a shit-ton of time, effort, and money that goes into pretending to look effortless. This dude is probably spending more on facial hair grooming in a month than the average person does in a lifetime. So guys, if you’re going in this direction for Movember, be prepared to shell out some serious coin.
I live a West Coast city with a relatively large hipster congregation and plaid flannel shirts sprouting up like an out of control toe fungus, so I anticipate that my hipster mustache-viewing experience will not be noticeably disrupted by Movember.
Sometimes, no matter how much you might like to pull off a certain look, you need to step back and admit that, like the number on a retired sports hero’s jersey, it’s already been claimed and you’re shit outta luck.
The dictator mustache is one such look. You try and steal it, and you run the risk they’ll come back from the grave to shut that business down. Permanently. And that’s not good for anyone.
Plus, the chances of getting anyone to hope in the sack with you when you look like a mass murderer are pretty small. Of course, it seems like you can find a fetish for anything online, so you may be able to corner a niche market.
The creative hybrid
Why stick with one style when you can have the benefits of two? This delightful character has combined the toughness of a horseshoe with the sassiness of a handlebar.
He actually looks a bit like Wilford Brimley, who presumably made loads of money doing commercials talking about his diabeetus, which I would say is proof that this look is worth rocking far beyond Movember.
The facial takeover
Want to go wild and woolly? This is your look. Everyone’s attention will be riveted to the mustache attacking your face, which is perfect if you’re trying to avoid angry exes, bill collectors, stalkers, or Dog the Bounty Hunter.
I suspect there would be some serious chafing with this whole situation, but then again, angry exes could be looking to inflict some serious damage, so your cost-benefit analysis could well be in favour of the facial takeover mustache.
If you want to get creative with your mustache look, India is probably the place to turn for inspiration. There are over half a million mustachioed men there, ranging from the sublime to the ridiculous.
In case you were hoping to take a vacation somewhere but weren’t sure if you could afford the flight, this particular mustache is your solution. It very literally gives you wings. And if the vacation thing doesn’t pan out, I’m sure you could get hired for a Red Bull commercial.
So, I challenge the men of Medium to bring it this Movember.
In all seriousness, though, an initiative to support men’s health is a very, very good thing. So grow a ’stache, get a prostate check, speak up about mental health. Your health matters.