Mueller Delivers Report
Drumpf declares “Nothing There,” sends Mueller to Saudis
In a record time of two years, Special Counsel Robert Mueller delivered his report to Attorney General William Barr, who immediately delivered it to Congress, intact and unredacted. The report was good news for Drumpf, nonetheless, because it was completely blank.
The only text on the Special Report is the subject line: “Special Council Witch Hunt into the Innocent President.”
“As you can see, there’s nothing to it,” just like I predicted, Drumpf told reporters as he prepared to send Mueller’s staff to Saudi Arabia on Air Force One “to consult with their investigators about the real guilty parties.” He pointed to the subject line. “My staff even tells me it says there’s nothing in the subject line.”
“You couldn’t even read the subject line on your own?” asked an astonished Jim Acosta of CNN.
The only text on the Special Report is the subject line: “Special Council Witch Hunt into the Innocent President.”
“I have people for that,” Drumpf snapped, then added, “and when they read it they told me the report says it’s a hoax and there’s nothing to it. Just like I told the Fake News all along.
When asked why the Special Counsel would spend two years, indict 34 people, secure guilty pleas and have nothing to report, Drumpf replied, “I’ll have to look into it. I’ll probably have to pardon the good guys now that we know there was nothing to report. Except for that rat Cohen. He can rot in jail where rats belong.”
“Are you sure the White House didn’t cook this document in order to bury the real report?” asked the New York Times’ Maggie Haberman.
“How can you say that?” Drumpf demanded, crossing his fingers behind his back. “Whatever would give you the idea that we made this up?”
“The fact that you emailed copies of the document to every news organization less than a minute after Mueller announced he would deliver the report,” Haberman shot back. “And the the subject line misspells ‘counsel,’ and uses the words ‘witch hunt.’”
“I didn’t say you could follow up,” Drumpf shut her down. “You have your report, now print it. Verbatim. Should leave you lots of room for ads.”
The White House denies that the Special Counsel’s staff is being rendered to Saudi Arabia in retaliation for conducting the investigation. “We encountered a few problems with the investigators and the Saudis are better at making the problems disappear than we are.”
The White House denies that the Special Counsel’s staff is being rendered to Saudi Arabia in retaliation for conducting the investigation. “We encountered a few problems with the investigators and the Saudis are better at making the problems disappear than we are.”
The White House also released Drumpf’s latest emergency declaration appointing a “Special Special Council” to investigate former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, Assistant Rod Rosenstein, Former FBI Director James Comey, Hilary Clinton, Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi and the chairs of every House Committee “still carrying on a witch hunt against our glorious President who has now been proven more innocent than any President in the history of innocence,” CNN, MSNBC, The Washington Post, New York Times and any other Fake News Media, any military officer — former or current — who has challenged Drumpf’s position “on the Wall, anything related to the wall, or anything I’ve ever said which is true and they denied.” The order states the purpose of the investigations is to “dig up anything you can find on them that will make ME look good and make Americans want to burn THEM at the stake, which is what Americans have always done to witch hunters.”
B.G. Kizzazz, Chief of Staff Steve Mnuchin’s assistant deputy, added, “We’ve turned the special investigationz over to the fine investigative wing of The National Inquirer and remain confident that when these investigations end the public will no longer remember Robert Mueller existed. Or even ask what happened to him.”
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
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