My Arch-Nemesis is a Squirrel
Superman has Lex Luthor, Batman has the Joker, and I got saddled with a squirrel
Moving into a new neighborhood is not easy. You have to get used to new schools, new commutes, new stores, and new parks. It takes time and you inevitably meet people you get along with and some that you don’t. And then there are those that live to make your life miserable. That’s right, I’m talking about your arch-nemesis!
I thought mine would be a shopper at the mall snagging that last pair of perfectly fitting jeans. Or maybe someone at the grocery store I’d have to fight for that last box of Cheetos Mac ’n Cheese. The flavor combination is so weird and yet somehow appealing. Anyway, where was I?
Oh yes, so of all the possible arch-nemeses, I never thought I’d encounter a squirrel. The story goes like this.
I planted a garden and reverently watched the dahlias sprout in the spring and slowly grow larger and larger. A sense of excitement built as I discovered three buds among the leaves. I’d created that!
And so day after day, I’d peek at the buds, waiting for them to bloom. One did and it was so beautiful I teared up. A few days later, I noticed the second bud was opening up. Ah, I can’t even think about how happy I was. I get so choked up.
In the morning it was there and by the evening, it was gone! Gone, I tell ya! All that was left was some incriminating evidence in the form of dahlia petals on the other side of my garden.
I tell you, I ran to the local spy shop and bought a fingerprint duster. But no matter how many samples of chewed-up petals I tested, I could not even get a partial print. I ran back to the spy shop and got some DNA testing kits. Those kept showing me an error message. Little did I know the culprit was not human.
Worse yet, a few days later, one of my sunflowers got chewed up and the remnants were tossed in the garden! It was as if the culprit spit right in my face.
I decided I had to take better action. So I stocked up on bottled water and canned goods and decided to stake out my garden. I hid in the house and filled up on coffee and Red Bull to get me through the night.
At the crack of dawn, lo and behold, I see the culprit squirrel creeping along the fence. Before I have the chance to react, it pounces on two of my sunflowers like a bat from hell.
Although the stalks break under the weight and throw the squirrel to the ground, he/she/it (?) isn’t phased. It calmly grabs a sunflower head and, quick as a flash, disappears through a crack in the fence.
I run out of the house trying to salvage what I can of the two broken sunflowers. Alas, it’s not meant to be. They are broken beyond repair. I do manage to bring one into the house and keep it alive in a vase. Alas, it will never be pollinated by a bee.
And so we live our lives in tandem, my arch-nemesis and I. Every few days or so, I’ll catch the squirrel stalking my garden and attacking an innocent flower when I let my guard down. I pound on the windows, I run outside and yell at the squirrel, but it’s almost as if it’s mocking me. So if you’re outside and hear a resounding “Why I outta!!!” it’s just me yelling at my squirrel.
