My Butt Was Rejected Today
The trials and tribulations of being an actress.
Today I was rejected because my butt and hair were inadequate.
(Bye the way, that’s not a picture of my butt, but since I didn’t have one handy, I picked one out from the internet. I figured, one butt is as good as any.) So let me tell you about today.
I was booked on an interview to be the photo double of an Oscar-winning actress in a movie that is currently shooting. The interview would consist of the director, hair, makeup, and wardrobe looking me over and deciding if I could pass for the actress in long shots.
I arrived on set and immediately looked for our sign-in. Oh where o’ where could it be?? Hum…perhaps where all those dark long-haired, olive skin women are standing? Yeah, I think that’s it.
So there are 8 of us. We look like clones of this particular actress, some skinnier, some meatier, and some have longer hair. Everyone is nice and we smile, make small talk, and are ushered into a Star Wagon to wait for the director. Now, folks, I want to be honest, because well, what’s the point of telling you my story if I can’t be honest. Here goes.
Yes, all the ladies were very nice, but come on, let’s be real, we were all measuring up the competition. The funny part was that we were apparently being really magnanimous about the entire situation. You know the game you play when you go out to dinner with friends and the check comes. Everyone grabs it at the same time, “I’ll get it…no I’ll get it…no really I’ll get it…etc.” Seems like everyone is so generous, but inside, deep inside, everyone is thinking, “He/She should get really, I got it last time…I don’t want to get it, I only had a salad…I can’t afford this bill but I can’t just sit here and not reach for the damn check…etc.” Come on friends, you know what I’m talking about. Well, the same was sort of happening here. I mean, there is no denying that while we were chatting up a storm, telling each other, “You look so much like her….no really you do…you have her hair…you have her skin tone…” The reality was if you could draw those cartoon bubbles over our heads you would have seen, “She’s too fat” or “She looks too young to be the actress” or “I look so much more like the actress than those girls.” It makes me laugh because you always have the one actress that stands there saying, “Oh, I don’t care if I get the job. It’s out of my hands…blah, blah, blah.” Please, give me a break. The bottom line, EVERYONE sitting in that Star Wagon wanted the job. If you didn’t really want it, you would not have come. It was also going to be a great opportunity and two weeks of work. So, yes, we all cared whether we got the job or not.
Finally, after waiting for 1 hour we were told to line up in front of the wagon. This would be the preliminary elimination by wardrobe, hair, and makeup before the Director’s final say. They had to “weed out” the women that obviously would not fit the wardrobe, size 4 pants. Second, any lady whose hair was too short, above the shoulder. So far, I’m making the grade. I’m a size 4 pants and I have long hair. Great. There are only 5 ladies left from 8. Next comes makeup, they look us over and check our skin tone and hands. That cuts out 2 more ladies. Finally, we are only 3 left. I’ve noticed that hair and makeup are motioning to me and I see that they are saying I’m the closest to the actress. That is a good sign. I mean these people work with the actress every day, they dress her, do her hair, her makeup, they know her the best. I think my chances are good.
We are now going to be shuttled over to the set so the Director can make his decision. I’m feeling quite confident because we are three slightly different variations of the same woman. But I know this actress and even I think I’m the closest to her of this bunch.
We arrive on set and are told to stand in front of the Director. He then, very diplomatically, told us to turn around. Yes, turn around. In other words, our faces were unimportant. It was our butt and hair that had to match the actress. So all that posturing and contemplating which one looks the closest to the actress was for nothing. It was going to come down to our hair and butt.
Now, how did my butt and hair stack up to the other two? Well, I didn’t get the job. It went to the skinniest girl with the smallest butt and shortest, lightest hair (who by the way, was a size 2 not a 4 like the wardrobe requested).
So, my butt and my hair were rejected for a slimmer version of themselves. Oh well, I’ll just tell them to go on a diet and we’ll get the next job.
PS- We were completely clothed. No nudity please…the horror:))
