My Dog Should be President
This isn’t political commentary, I just think she has real potential
More walks.
Salmon for every meal.
Unlimited belly scratches.
The return of competence to the highest office in the land.
These are, or what I assume to be, the cornerstones of Maggie’s campaign. There’s a bit of a language barrier between her and I, so I can’t just ask her. But I’m sure if I were to interview her, it would go much better than Trump’s Axios debacle.
So, is this an indictment on our choices at the ballot box November? Absolutely not. I will happily, even enthusiastically, go to my polling place and cast my vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. Like I said, this isn’t political commentary.
But just look at that campaign poster… That’s dignity, that’s strength, that’s focus, that’s… dare I say… presidential. These are qualities we haven’t seen in our commander in chief since Obama left office. Now, I would just like to highlight some of her immense strengths and lay out the reasons why she would be a great president.
Person… woman… man… camera… TV…
Dog… squirrel… cat… treat… walk…
You see, Maggie is very cognitively there. When I say “stay”, she stays. When I say “sit”, she sits. When I say “speak”, she speaks, and it resembles something closer to English than when Trump speaks. But that’s simple stuff. More importantly, when I tell Maggie “no”, she stops. And that’s a major difference between her and the sack of lard that holds the office now.
They say that the average dog can learn up to 165 words, and those that skew smarter can learn up to 250 words. I firmly believe that Maggie is in that higher end, and you can trust my judgment because she’s the love of my life and I’m not at all biased. Either way, she still has Trump beaten in the vocabulary department, and for that, she’s a very nasty woman. Again, and I can’t stress this enough, this is not political commentary.
If there’s something that Maggie understands, it’s the importance of a good home and the potential for second chances. We adopted her from a shelter when she was four years old. At the shelter, she, along with the other dogs, was kept in a cage. Having lived through this experience, I’m certain that she would not lock innocent immigrant children in cages at the border. Under President Maggie, migrant children and their families at the Southern border would be offered a chance for a new life, just like she had been offered. Again, this is not political commentary, but Maggie wins this point over Trump as well.
And while we’re on the topic of xenophobia (again, I know this may seem like political commentary, but it’s really not. My dog is just that much better and more well-suited for office than Trump), Maggie is prepared for the birther attacks that she will inevitably face because she’s not a white man. And as we all know, the only true red-blooded, god-fearing Americans as straight, white men. Maggie was born in the United States (I have the paperwork to prove it), and, more importantly, understands that to be an American, you don’t have to look like her. Americas come in all different shapes, sizes, and colors — labs, collies, hounds, bullies, pits, chihuahuas, boxers, pointers, etc. Maggie celebrates the diversity of our nation as she is a friend to all (except cats, but cats aren’t American).
At first glance, the image above may not stand out. It’s just a perfect dog out on a hike. But what’s important to note about this picture, and every other picture ever taken of Maggie, is that she’s not posing with Jeffrey Epstein. Or Ghislaine Maxwell. Or Prince Andrew. Or Paul Manafort. Or Lev Parnas. And that says a lot about her character. She has the requisite dignity and decency to be president. Something the position has sorely lacked for over three years.
And speaking of baseline requirements for the job, Maggie has no shortage of common sense, and that would be a massive upgrade. And while this is in no way political commentary, even Maggie knows not to drink bleach to cure what ails her. She’s not a dog that chews furniture or gets into things that could harm her. She follows the rules and respects others, even when she may not agree with their rules (like dry food only). She also understands that her energy isn’t finite and that working out doesn’t dip into her lifelong energy reserves, as evidenced by her excitement for walks and wrestling matches.
Now… I would be remiss if I weren’t to mention the areas where Maggie and Trump agree. I know this isn’t political commentary, but I’m nothing if not fair, so here goes…
Maggie and Trump both seem to have a very tenuous understanding of the workings of the Postal Service. Maggie barks ferociously at what she assumes to be an intruder once a day when our mail is delivered. And since Trump’s intelligence level is much, much lower than my dog’s, he views these adorably uniformed intruders as election thieves, just waiting to get their filthy hands on your mail-in ballot so they can change your vote to Sleepy Joe and pass it along to election officials. And when you think about it, it’s plausible. It’s about as plausible as a dog thinking that an intruder is attempting to break into your house every single day around the same time. And for those reasons, the USPS could still be in trouble even if you cast your vote for Maggie. But I like to think I know her pretty well, and could nudge her in the right direction.
The second similarity they share is hygiene. Maggie is only bathed once a week, and while I don’t know this for a fact, I assume that’s the same number of showers that Trump takes in a week. He allegedly prides himself in his appearance, and that, in and of itself, is a joke so good that that if Richard Pryor or George Carlin were raised from the dead, they’d both tell you to put them back because they could never write something that absurdly hilarious.
So while they each only bathe once a week, I guess the end product of their drastically contrasting appearances makes this a difference. For example, Maggie’s coat is so beautiful and luxurious that we had a stranger stop us on the street and ask if we use Paul Mitchell shampoo on her fur. I didn’t know what that meant at the time, but my wife informed me that it’s expensive, high-end shampoo. But I suppose expensive and high-end doesn’t make all the difference since I’m sure Trump only uses the BEST orange spray.
Now if you’re wondering, the answer is ‘yes’ — the best argument for President Maggie has been saved for last. But before we get there, I need to take a moment to speculate what Trump’s nicknames for her would be:
Mean Maggie
Nasty Doggie
Bitch (and that’s without him knowing that ‘bitch’ is the proper term for a female dog. Don’t give him credit for making a joke that’s good on more than one level. He’s not capable of that. He’s Mr. Magoo.)
I started to think about the nicknames that he would give her, but quickly stopped after remembering that his nicknames are the worst, laziest insults you can conjure. So I didn’t bother taxing my own brain too much.
As promised, the final, and most important, reasons why Maggie would make a great president…
She has paws and that’s just not conducive to Twittering. And let’s face it, you read that and it was so refreshing. Just think about a president that doesn’t let every asinine thought fall from a failing, spray-tan soaked brain, to fingertips, to the internet. Maggie would make no policy decisions or outrageously racist comments via Twitter because I’m fairly certain that she has no idea that Twitter exists. And wow, that just sounds oh, so good.
But before I lose you because you mistake this for political commentary, which it’s not, I want to make the final point why my dog should be president. And it’s the simplest, most basic argument that I’ve got— Maggie is compassionate.
When she sees someone in pain, she nurtures. When she sees something wrong or someone mistreated, she barks and intervenes with no thought to her own well-being. She cares for and about others. When she sees such distress in others, it’s not enough to simply recognize it. She intervenes. She cares. She’s just good. And that’s something that our country could use right now, possibly more than ever.
