My House Is Haunted but It’s Haunted by the Ghost of My Aerogarden That I Threw Out Two Weeks Ago
Normal Ghosts are Scary, but This Ghost is Kind of Just a Dick
Someone, or someTHING, is here. I can feel it. And kind of smell it too. Is that Thai Basil and Dill? That’s so weird. I threw out my Aerogarden two weeks ago because it stopped being a cool talking point at family dinners after I showed a picture of my hot chili peppers to everyone but accidentally swipedtoo far and got into my point of view dick pics.
“p…….p…….plaaaaaaaant fooooooooooood…..”
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?! Could that have been my stomach growling out of hunger? No, that doesn’t make sense. It usually doesn’t growl in full sentences. Did I leave the TV on? Was that just Jerry Springer breaking the news to a Florida couple that the husband was cheating on the wife with the wife’s sister who actually turned out to be a thoroughbred horse?
“yo……you killed me…….
“Who’s there?! What do you want? If this is about that 6-year-old kid I pushed at the mall, I’m sorry. I thought that the family and Cinnabon weren’t going to press charges?”
“no…….i’m he…..you pushed a six year old kid? That’s messed up. No, god no, I’m he….jesus, now I forgot what I was going to say….I….. I can’t shake the image of you pushing a six year old kid……..why would you push a six-year-old kid?? That’s just…… you’re sick, man. No, I’m here because YOU KILLED ME!”
No, I’m here because YOU KILLED ME!”
“What are you talking about? I didn’t kill anyone!”
“Yessssssss……yesssssss you did……GREGORY!”
“How do you know my name? Where are you? WHO SENT YOU?!”
“It is I…….your Aerogarden! Remember me? The one you neglected…..”
“My……Aerogarden? But I threw you out weeks ago because it stop…”
“stopped being a cool talking point….family dinners……point of view dick pics…… yeah, yeah I know Gregory …..I’m a ghost, I……unfortunately hear everything”
“How…how are you here right now? I mean, how are WE talking right now?”
“oh, poor little Gregory, haven’t you heard? Everytime an Aerogarden is neglected, it turns into a spiritual entity and haunts the owner that caused it’s demise….”
“I never neglected you! I just got…. you know, busy. Work on top of trying to decide what mattress is best for me ate up a lot of time. Like, did you know that some mattresses come with hyper light sheets and a cooling gel? I think Casper makes them? Hey! Casper! Like you! Get it, because you’re a gho..”
“SIELENCE! You…..you never gave me plant food on a regular basis! Or filled me up to my recommended water fill line! Hell, you even set my light to come on at weird hours! Why, Gregory, why did you make it come on at 2:30 in the morning?”
“Listen, man-ghost-thing, when I bought the Aerogard…errr…you, I was just looking for a reason to brag to my mom’s Pilates friends. I didn’t think it would involve all THIS. Jesus man, w-what do you want from me?! HOW DO I GET RID OF YOU??
“Hahahahahaha….you can’t Gregory……you’re stuck with me for eve…”
“Siri, how do you exorcise the ghost of an Aerogarden?”
“Shit”
“Siri, how do you exorcise the ghost of an Aerogarden?”
“Shit”
“Here’s an answer from Wikipedia; To successfully exorcise the ghost of an Aerogarden, you must gift another Aerogarden to a Scorpio. Once gifted, the ghost will automatically become hosted by the new Aerogarden and you will be rid of whatever freak-show situation you got yourself into. Would you like to donate to Wikipedia?”
“No”
“Here’s what I found for fleshlight”
“Haha, what?! That’s uh, that’s so weird, I’ve never looked that up before…….”
“Please….Gregory…….don’t send me to a Scorpio. They’re just the worst. They’re all so emotional and philosophical and most of them vape. Do you understand how bad vape is for gourmet herbs and heirloom tomatoes?”
“Well, ghost, it just so happens that I’m WAY into horoscopes and I know the sign of every celebrity chef. In particular, the sign of one who is very angry and very British. He also does quality control on hotels, which I’m pretty sure he isn’t even qualified to do. Ring any bells? He goes by the name of…Gordon Ramsay. Yes, that’s right, Gordon Ramsay is a Scorpio. AND I have his mailing address. How? I….. would rather not say….for legal reasons…..he’s……he’s already sued me twice…”
“NOOOOOOOO…….not………not Gordon. Anyone but Gordon. Please….he’ll……he’’ll harvest me for basil endlessly…..I’ll be like a little basil cow….please Gregory….ANYONE BUT GORDON RAMSAY!!!
“So long, ghost! I hope you like being used to make basil ice cream!”
Bio: Name: Brett Skalicky. Age: 23. Height: 5'11 3/4. Weight: 162 pounds, or, 13 phone books. Tattoos: Yes, 7, all of them of the neck variety. Thigh width: 32 cm. Thigh height: 52 cm. Was in consideration for season 7 of Wipeout but never made the cut.
