(My) Kids Ask The Darndest Questions!

And I’ve got the wise-cracking answers to match!

Tommy Paley
Jan 20, 2020 · 2 min read
Photo by Steven Libralon on Unsplash

Q: “Do we have to eat this?”

A: “What, you are telling me you don’t want gruel and blue food coloring for breakfast? And I’m guessing the cornstarch and water slurry for lunch won’t excite you much either. Tough crowd.”

Q: “Can we get a dog?”

A: “Please see pages 345 through 367 inclusive in the prepared annotated notes that I’ve compiled for the 237 reasons the answer is ‘no’. A prize will be awarded if you find my misuse of a semicolon. And, no, the prize is not a dog.”

Q: “Are you for real right now?”

A: “Did you know the rich kid I acted as an imaginary friend for when I was growing up often asked me the same question? He wasn’t that bright.”

Q: “Where did you hide my iPhone?”

A: “I’d jokingly say ‘somewhere in the walls’, but if I did your rabid frothing at the mouth tells me that I’d be fixing drywall for the next month.”

Q: “Why can’t we be normal like everyone else?”

A: “On one sense, because normal is boring. And in another, much more accurate sense, because daddy is cheap.”

Q: “Can we have ice cream tonight?”

A: “I’d love to say yes, I really would, but someone ate it all while watching the late night When Harry Met Sally marathon. In related news, I also gnawed your favorite pillow and soaked your favorite blanket with tears.”

Q: “Do we have to go to school today?”

A: “Yes, because if you don’t go to school, I can’t run my telemarketing pyramid scheme out of the rec room while calling in sick to my real job.”

Q: “Where did mom go?”

A: “Either to the 7:00 am yoga class, to buy a coffee, or she’s finally putting her money where her mouth is and following through on her ‘threat’ to ‘join the circus’.”

Q: “Can you kiss me goodnight?”

A: “Of course, sweetie, but not until I finish my anger-filled comprehensive list of all the jerks I want revenge on.”

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Tommy Paley

Written by

I write creative non-fiction, humorous and random short stories, unique and tasty recipes and fiction involving odd and funny relationships. I also love cheese.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Tommy Paley

Written by

I write creative non-fiction, humorous and random short stories, unique and tasty recipes and fiction involving odd and funny relationships. I also love cheese.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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