JK NOT REAL
My Kindergarten Yearbook Quotes Didn’t Age Well
This is some messed up sh*t right here
Wow! I just found my 1989 Kindergarten yearbook in my mom’s attic. I bet it holds precious memories of an innocent time — such wonderment, joy, and laughter.
Shall we look inside?
Ah, page 34. Here I am!
Name: Kristen Ann Stark
Birthday: October 2
Favorite Food: Donuts
Haha! Always a sweet tooth, how funny.
Favorite Candy: Candy cigarettes
Hey, young Kristen, cigarettes aren’t cool. They can kill you.
Favorite Movie: Mr. Mom. The daddy tries to do things a mommy should be doing and that is funny!
Hmm. This isn’t a great message. Parents should all pitch in and gender shouldn’t matter.
Favorite TV Show: The Cosby Show. The daddy makes me laugh!
Oh jeeze. That one isn’t great. Uh, let’s move on.
Favorite Cartoon Character: Pepé Le Pew. He’s a boy skunk who chases after the girl skunk and grabs her and kisses her the whole time.
Jesus Christ.
Favorite Game: Clue. You try to find out who killed a guy. My favorite weapon is the candlestick. My brother likes the rope.
Wow.
My Best Friends: Tiffany and Ashley. They have crushes on each other but the teacher says our country won’t let them get married.
OK, at least U.S. marriage equality laws improve over time.
Favorite Animal: Polar Bear
Shit.
Favorite Toy: Cabbage Patch Doll
Phew! That’s a nice one.
Oh wait, there’s more...
My mommy got the doll after standing in line for hours. She shoved another mommy who tried to steal it from her. Both mommies were in jail for 5 days!
The newspaper called it the Cabbage Patch Riots. My Daddy had to take care of us while mommy was gone. He was like Mr. Mom! Gosh, daddies can’t do anything right.
Capitalist bastard toy companies.
What I want to be when I grow up: A shoemaker for Nike.
Maybe I should have dreamed bigger but that’s fine.
Oh wait, there’s more…
I don’t even have to wait until I grow up. They hire kids!
For the love of God.
I’ve had enough of Kindergarten. Let’s explore the attic.
Oh, here’s my high school yearbook from 2002. Shall we look inside?
Page 26. Here I am!
Where I see myself in 20 years: In 2022, I am in peak physical shape. I take pride in my appearance and wear stylish clothes every day, not t-shirts and leggings. I definitely do not pee every time I sneeze and I do not curse all the time. I drink rarely and I have the BEST relationship with my mother-in-law. My obedient children always listen to me. I am a wildly successful writer and I win countless awards for my essays. Life is good!
Fuck this attic.
