My Mom the OBGYN

My mom is an OBGYN doctor.

I am extremely grateful to have an OBGYN as a mother. I can get extremely injured and my mom has the skills to… know who to call for help to give me the best care. But any minor scrapes or bruises were immediately made better by her. I have no complaints.

But I do have some notes.

Some would say that an obstetrician-gynecologist is essentially a midwife with a medical degree. They help pregnant women take care of their pregnancies leading up to the delivery, which they also do. And that is such a cool job for my mom to have. But that also means that my mom is very very familiar with, and often deals with the grossest parts of medicine. What I am talking about are STDs. Yes. Sexually Transmitted Diseases. My mom knows SO much about STDs. An encyclopedic of knowledge about STDS. And she makes sure her children know all about them too.

I am fifteen years old. I am a freshman in high school. I need to know about how covalent bonds are formed by electrons being shared, or what the derivative of sin(3x²) is. I do not need to know everything about STDs yet. I do not need to know how Pagina-roids can be transmitted if someone farts on your shweiner.

I do not need my mom talking about STDs tucking me in at night.

AND ANOTHER thing, wtfc (what the flipping crap) is even pagina-roids? What is even that? Is that even real? Mom says no, she said that I made that word up and that I need a refresher presentation. My gosh please no.

The worst part is that it’s all. The. Time. There is no escape. My mom is like Jason from the movie Halloween. The epitome of resilience, no matter where you are, or how far you go, she is always around the corner, with a machete or Expo markers and a whiteboard, waiting to talk about warty paginas.

Let me paint a picture with a hypothetical real situation: I'm doing homework, innocently, peacefully, blissfully. My mom comes into my room, asking me about my day.

I say “Oh, it was great! we learned about how rocks are essential in sustaining the ecosystem and keeping the soil mineral and nutrient dense.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah and-”

“Do you know what WeinerMcPenis Syndrome is?”

“…”

She walks out of the door. I start crying.

It’s amazing how with only four years of medical school, 4 years of residency, and 1 M.D., someone can irreversibly traumatize an innocent child.