My Morning Prayer

Our father in heaven, please help me to remember the words to this prayer, and maybe if I say an Our Father, you’ll stop hiding my car keys, which were just here a minute ago! Oh dear God, if you’re really all powerful, then why couldn’t you stop my breakfast taco from breaking open and staining my shirt, because I don’t have time to change. I’m going to be late, dear Jesus! I’m going to be fired! Is that what a good and merciful God would want? For blessed is your fruit, blessed is the wound, and blessed are those who trespass against us. Oh dear God! Is that your answer? Spilling coffee all over my expense report? Are my prayers not good enough for you God? What if I bang my head against the wall? Would that be good enough for you, fucking Lord? Oh dear god, I think I really hurt myself. I’m sorry I called you fucking Lord. I’m on my hands and knees now sweet God, for you alone are the holy one. You alone are the power and the glory, and you’re smart and good-looking and you have a nice personality, so please stop fucking with me, Lord. That’s basically what I’m trying to ask you. Amen.