My Out Of Office Replies, 2000–2021
Thank you for your email.
2000:
Hi there,
Thank you for your email. I’m out of the office for vacation in New York to check out the subway series and root for whichever team is at home in the interest of fairness. I will be back on 10/30. During this period I will have no access to my e-mail, as you can only access e-mail from your office.
For immediate assistance please contact Andrea at andrea@office.com and she’ll see it once she’s also physically in the office.
Best regards,
Matt Payton
2001:
Greetings,
I will be out of the office from 7/2 until 7/9. I will be heading back to the Big Apple this year to use my new tax cut money to see The Producers, although I’m sure all the Broadway productions are worthy of patronizing.
My flight is at 10:05AM on 7/2, so I will be in the office until 9:29AM that morning, given that you can just walk on to the flight these days. Pretty cool!
If you need immediate assistance please contact Andrea at andrea@office.com. She got broadband at home so she can check her messages at night now.
Kind regards,
Matt Payton
2002:
Hey there,
Thank you for your message. I am currently out of the office with no email access until my return on Wednesday. I’ll be in New York, NY to check out the thriving garage rock revival scene. If you want to know my thoughts on The Strokes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Interpol and LCD Soundsystem, check out my new weblog (blog!) guitarswillneverdie.blogspot.com. Nothing against nu metal, an equally valid genre. I’m listening to a Slipknot CD in my computer right now.
If you need immediate assistance before then, you may reach me at my mobile — 308–555–5404. Finally got one of those things and let me tell you, it’s a great convenience. I will never tire of being reachable at all times!
Warm regards,
Matt Payton
2003:
Ahoy-hoy,
I will be out of the office starting on 2/10, returning 2/15.
If you need immediate assistance during my absence, please contact Andrea at andrea@office.com. Otherwise I will respond as soon as possible upon my return from the greatest city in the world, New York. I could just watch the Iraq War protests on TV, but seeing it in person should really resonate more. And just to ensure it’s a leisurely, non-partisan trip, I will also be meeting with several Halliburton executives to listen about the benefits of being greeted as liberators.
Hot regards,
Matt Payton
2004:
Hello,
I will be out of the office this week. If you need immediate assistance while I’m away, please email Andrea at andrea@office.com. She will forward along any relevant info since she’s not speaking to me directly at the moment because I’m heading to Manhattan to attend the RNC and she’s a bit disturbed by that. I’ve tried to explain to her that when you’re a Zell Miller head you go where the action is, regardless of political content (I will be wearing noise canceling headphones during the rest of the convention).
Boiling regards,
Matt Payton
2005:
Hiya,
I will be away from December 17th until December 23rd. I will be in the city that never sleeps to offer rides to people around town during the transit strike. I figure I could make a few bucks on the side while seeing all the sights and enjoying the culture. MTA authorities are welcome in my vehicle as well, as I hope to get both sides talking again and shake hands. For urgent matters, you can contact Andrea at andrea@office.com and she can let me know if you want me to share construction pictures of the new M&Ms store.
All The Regards,
Matt Payton
2006:
Hey hey,
Thank you for your email. Your message is important to me and I will respond as soon as I get back from NYC, baby! This year the Tony’s and the Puerto Rican Day Parade are on the same day, so now I will have something to tell my grandkids when they’re bouncing on my knee. To show no favors to either I will only root for actors from West Side Story to win and dues-paying SAG members in the parade.
Regard this,
Matt Payton
2007:
Why hello,
Thank you for your email. I will be out of the office from Tuesday to next Friday and will not have access to email. I will be making a trip back east to the city of New York. Everyone’s flipping houses these days and making a bundle, so I figured why not try to do it in the highest priced housing market? In the spirit of just doing this as a fun hobby, a la catch-and-release fishing, I’ll be donating any profits I make to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, two trustworthy organizations for the last 70 years. If you know of someone in the market for a sensible townhome on Park Ave. please contact Andrea at andrea@office.com.
Regards for all,
Matt Payton
2008:
Howdy,
Thanks for reaching out. I’m currently out of the office until September 1st.
In the meantime, did you know we have a monthly newsletter? Yep, you heard that right! A weekly dose of all your favorite content from our office sent right to your inbox. To ensure you don’t miss out on all the good stuff, sign up for our newsletter here (Andrea, remind me to put the link to the newsletter here when you get back from lunch).
I’ll be sure to get back to you when I return from my trip to the capital of the world, New York. It seems my bank investments have hit a little bit of a hiccup, but luckily I don’t play favorites so my money is spread evenly between Lehman Brothers, AIG and WaMu. I will be talking to the great people that run those places just to make sure everything’s on the up-and-up. Of course I’m probably just being a worry wart!
Regarding Henry,
Matt Payton
2009:
Hey,
Got your email. I am out of the office right now because we can’t afford the space any longer, but that’s okay because McDonald’s has free wifi and I’m eating most of my meals here anyway.
I’ll be out of “the office” this week to head to The Empire City, New York, to attend an airline pilot union hearing about Captain Sully Sullenberger’s miraculous landing of the plane on the Hudson River. Here’s hoping that he presents his case as well as the airline executives do and all parties can admit equal fault and go home.
I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m back into “the office.” I would take my laptop with me on my trip, but I’m concerned with pushing my weight limit on my bindle.
Regard yourself,
Matt Payton
2010:
Good morning/afternoon/evening,
Appreciate for your email. I’m out of the office currently, heading to the city so nice that they named it twice: New York, New York to attend a reading of the Wikileaks cables. I’ll be enthusiastically listening, as someone who believes in full transparency and respects whistleblowing. I also think people who do so should be tried to the fullest extent of the law. Feel free to contact Andrea andrea@office.com and she’ll let you know where I’ll be and when.
Follow and tweet me @paytonmatting for thoughts and conversation on the war on terror and some fun TV recaps. Look forward to hearing from you!
Re: gards,
Matt Payton
2011:
Good Morrow!
Sorry you missed me. I’m out of the office from 10/6 to 10/13 and will be responding to my emails when I return on 10/14. I will be visiting New Yawk (that’s how they say it with their crazy accents) to peacefully observe the Occupy Wall Street protests. I’ll mostly be there for the copious amounts of drum circles and leaderless organization. Luckily I’ve managed to avoid forming an opinion on massive economic inequality. Should be a blast!
To keep up with all the latest happenings at our company, follow us on Facebook / Twitter / LinkedIn / Instagram / Pinterest / Etc.
I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
Regardingly,
Matt Payton
2012:
G’day,
Just saw your email and can’t reply right now. I decided to go to where the New York Knicks are playing to check out what all this Linsanity is about. I’ll be sitting courtside watching this young phenom and trying to come up with mentally unstable puns for the other teams’ star players in an effort to equally distribute the hype.
Contact Andrea at andrea@office.com and she’ll try to get a hold of me if I can get a good signal inside the fire zone of the Madison Square Garden!
Regards out the wazoo,
Matt Payton
2013:
Yo,
Hate to break it to you, but I’m on vacation until 11/8 and will not be checking emails. I’m sure you probably don’t want to hear this since you’re working, so here’s one of those cat videos that are all the rage these days to cheer you up. (I need to put that cat Youtube where he’s moving his head to the music here, Andrea)
I’ll be visiting The Empire City to see the election of Bill de Blasio and make sure there’s a peaceful transfer of power. Naturally, I donated the same amount to all the mayoral candidates. I just wish they could all equally share power so no one would have to play favorites. I have no idea who our mayor is. Enjoy your week!
Fresh and locally sourced regards,
Matt Payton
2014:
Que pasa,
BAD NEWS: I’m out of the office on vacation until 10/28. I will be responding to all emails when I return from Gotham (NYC). The Ebola virus has made contact on the great island and I thought if I get close enough to it I could build up immunity, so that my work won’t be interrupted when the disease eventually takes over our town. To make sure that I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket I will also try to get the West Nile virus and the avian flu. I should be bulletproof by winter.
GOOD NEWS: Andrea has graciously offered to stay behind and cover my work. She is a superhero. If your request is urgent, you can contact her at andrea@office.com. Not sure what I’ll do once she gets infected. She might need to come along and get close to the Ebola too. Maybe I still need to think this through.
Renewable regards,
Matt Payton
2015:
Aloha,
This is my out of office message. You’re receiving it because I’m currently vacationing in the five boroughs to attend the taping of the final Late Show with David Letterman. I never picked a side in the late night wars and would tape all of the shows, watching each one nightly so the ratings were equal. They all belong on my Top Ten List.
Anyway Andrea, the Paul to my Dave, will be here covering for me in my absence, so throw a card through the fake window for her and she’ll nail the glass sound effect.
The changing of the regards,
Matt Payton
2016:
A tip of the hat to you,
Well, you caught me. I’m currently out of the office and will be out all week. Sometimes you just gotta get away and go somewhere that you can unwind. For me that means going to what was originally called New Amsterdam.
I am attending the NY Comic Con to check out this hilarious frog I saw in a zine called Pepe. I just think in tumultuous times like these it’s nice to enjoy a character with no political meaning or symbolism. I haven’t checked in on the character in a while so that it hits harder again when I arrive, so wish me luck!
I’ll get back to you upon return and might even share a meme if they’ve made any of my favorite little guy.
Regardening regards,
Matt Payton
2017:
What’s the rumpus?
Thank you for contacting me. I am away from the office right now and I will be coming back from the great melting pot that is New York City next week.
I’m here to attend a career appreciation dinner for Harvey Weinstein. What can I say, I’m just a sucker for movie magic! Always have been. Before you go pinning my taste down to a particular aesthetic, know that I’ll also be conducting a Q&A at the James Toback retrospective. There’s plenty of cinema appreciation to go around from me.
See you at the movies!
The King’s Regards,
Matt Payton
2018:
Hello sunshine,
Apologies for not answering your question or comment. I’m not in the office this week and will be returning next Thursday. I will be in America’s city until then to cheer on Amazon making its second headquarters in Long Island City. To keep competing businesses in the race, I will be purchasing some books/groceries/home security system from The Strand and other non-conglomerate bookstores while in town. Can’t stop progress I suppose!
Your query will be answered upon my return. Be sure to let me know if you want to see any warehouse “before” photos.
Automated regards,
Matt Payton
2019:
What’s kickin’, little chicken?
I’m not at my office computer right now because I am away on vacation in Fun City. I will get back to you promptly, but this week I will be spending most of my time riding that sweet L train that ended up having its shutdown called off at the last minute. I will also be doing some volunteer long-term maintenance on the tracks in between rides so that the transportation board knows I don’t have a particular dog in this race. You might be able to catch me IRL on Lorimer St.
Keep your belongings in sight and stay aware of your surroundings!
From my regards to yours,
Matt Payton
2020:
We will never die,
Thank you for your email. I’m out of the office due to my well-deserved vacation in the township of New York. I will be returning March 18th. I visit there so often that I changed my voter registration to New York state several years ago since I want to have a say on policy that affects the place I visit annually. Last time I was in town I ended up serving on a jury and the prosecution and defense made such equally compelling cases that I found both of them innocent and guilty at the same time. Rather than “deal with me on another jury,” the judge said I could make it up to the court by coming back to town this year to meet and shake hands with as many New Yorkers as I could so that maybe I’d learn how to “pick a damn side.” Don’t know what that means, but I’m really looking forward to pushing the flesh.
I’ll respond to your e-mail promptly when I get back into the office as healthy as an ox. I would say to reach out to Andrea if you need something urgent, but every time I call her the other people at work tell me she’s in my office measuring for new drapes and putting her feet on my desk while laughing and smoking a big cigar. Glad she’s having a good time in my absence. She deserves it.
Regard me in your thoughts and prayers,
Matt Payton
2021:
MAILER-DAEMON@P3plsmtp17–01–26.prod.phx3.secureserver.net,
Your mail message to the following address(es) could not be delivered. This is a permanent error. Please verify the address(es) and try again.
<paytonmatting@office.com>:
The e-mail message could not be delivered because the user’s account no longer exists.
