My Roommate is a Steam-Powered Man Machine
No, Not in a Cool Way Like Terminator or Iron Man
I have a particularly peculiar roommate. He’s not a bad roommate at all. He does his dishes, he isn’t loud, he never brings people over. He never does any of the bad roommate things I do every single day. But there’s something super off about him. Something that I wasn’t able to place until just today. He’s a steam-powered man machine.
How do I know he’s a steam-powered man machine? Well, it’s very simple for a mastermind detective like me. Steam-powered man machines run on one thing: Steam. Where do you get steam? Hot water. Where do you get hot water? A shower. How many showers does my roommate take every day? 4.
“But James, 4 showers seems like a lot. Are you exaggerating?” No! No I am not! Every morning, afternoon, evening, and night, my roommate goes to the bathroom, turns on the shower, gets in the shower, takes a shower, turns the shower off, gets out of the shower, and goes back to his room.
“But James, showering is good! Would you rather have a smelly roommate?” No! I wouldn’t! I would know, my roommates are always telling me how smelly I am and how much they hate it and how I should shower more often cause my odor makes them sad. The issue isn’t just the amount of showers he takes, it’s that every time he takes one, he walks from AND TO the bathroom in just a towel around his waist. All while I and several of my friends sitting in the living room are forced to watch. Also, who cares about any of that? He’s a steam-powered man machine! I’m living with a steam-powered man machine and you’re asking me these stupid questions? I’m fearing for my life!
He’s obviously the first of many to attempt to blend in among humans. I believe he is a prototype sent in by the steam-powered overlords to gain intelligence on human behavior to more accurately program their man machines. I can tell he is just a prototype due to his limited vocabulary. In the few interactions, I have had with him, I have noticed he is only capable of repeating a few pre-programmed phrases. These phrases include “Oh, for real?”, “What’s up?”, “Yea” and “Nah”. Recently I have been growing increasingly worried because he has just now developed a new phrase. This phrase is “No way”. With him developing new phrases, it will be no time at all before him and his steam-powered friends are roaming the earth unnoticeable by the naked eye. I can also tell he’s a man machine because he’s an art history major and no real person would ever become an art history major. Clearly, those steam suckers have a lot to learn.
I am currently working on a contingency plan for this impending steam-powered invasion. I cannot say it on this platform as I suspect some of even the most prestigious publications on here may have already been invaded by the man machines, but I can tell you it involves a lot of dirt, oil, and friendship. I can say that I am working hard for all of you and that I guarantee I will stop this steampunk revolution or I will die trying. In the mean time, hold your loved ones close and avoid anyone you see showering at all costs. It’s getting harder and harder to tell who you can trust these days.
