My RSVP To Your Wedding
It was so nice of you to invite me
Hello friend, I hope this note finds you well. I have wanted to send you a note for quite some time now that included my RSVP to your wedding. Sadly, I will not be able to come to your wedding. I was going to mark the appropriate checkbox on the invitation, but I was confused as the only reply spaces on your invitation said “Rock-N-Roll” and “Not Cumming” so I thought a direct note was best.
It was just a couple weeks ago that we first met in my favorite coffee shop, ‘Jitter Beans’. I was just sitting there in my usual spot, between the older lady who smells like a combination of peppermint and cat urine and the twenty-something guy with the ponytail and beard. I remember sitting there, working on my screenplay when you burst in. You appeared suddenly, pointing out of the front window at something. I could see your lips moving while you were pointing, but couldn’t hear you as I was listening to my favorite podcast to get inspiration. I think the cat lady and ponytail guy were each listening to music. Regardless we all had earbuds in and couldn’t hear much of anything.
Eventually, we all took our earbuds off when we saw the baristas running from behind the counter over to where you were standing at the window and pointing. I don’t remember everything you were yelling about, but I do remember it had something to do with mysterious figures who were following you. You kept screaming about these figures and all the baristas and even some of the customers started looking out of the front window for these figures you spoke of. In the middle of this, you lifted your eye patch to wink at me, which was sort of troubling. You continued to watch everyone look for a few more minutes before bursting into laughter and calling them all “a bunch of dumb shits.”
I ended up trying to return to my podcast once things settled. Within a couple of minutes, however, you had come over and sat down in the booth with me. You didn’t say much initially but eventually you broke the ice by announcing to me that you were getting married. I wasn’t sure at first what to think of you but I appreciated your “joie de vivre” and thought it was great to meet a stranger. You told me how you had just picked a venue with your fiancee and how excited you were. I couldn’t meet the lucky lady because of “some legal troubles.” I remember you telling me that specific phrase repeatedly because you kept making air quotes while saying it.
We chatted a bit more about wedding planning in general. You expressed concern about how hard it was to find a Spin Doctors cover band. I asked if you had considered getting a generic 90s cover band. Your reaction was a little much as you slapped me while yelling, “I can’t risk hearing Dave Matthews songs!” It was then that you asked me if I wanted to come to the wedding. I figured you were kidding and maybe still a little amped up from the excitement of your entrance to the coffee shop. Just as I was going to politely decline the invitation, you reached into the trash bag you were carrying and produced what you told me was a wedding invitation.
I want to say that I really appreciate the creativity of your wedding invitation. I have never seen a hollowed-out turtle shell used as stationary. I really like the shirt buttons and aluminum foil that is glued to the shell. It makes it look very festive and fun, just like I imagine the wedding will be. Based on the lettering, I hope that a child wrote the invitation and that said child did so willingly.
Again, I will have to decline the invitation.
