SATIRE

My Therapist Had Issues

Like a nice guy I offered to help

Therapist: Hi Mr. Johnson. Good to see you finally. Your wife told me many nice things about you

Fred: Has she? Why would I have to come here if she had nice things to say about me. If she said Fred is one hell of a guy, she didn’t mean it as a compliment. How about you take off the shades, cool guy. We’re indoors.

Therapist: Well they’re a gift from my wife if you don’t mind.

Fred: You want your wife to know how much you love her. Tell me man, what messed up you up like this.

Therapist: What? I wear them because I love them

Fred: Sure you do. You’re so deep down in this appeasement shit you don’t even know what you like anymore.

Therapist: Okay that’s just stupid . Let’s talk about you.

Fred: Look, you can open up to me. Let me ask you a question. You are having a meal alright. You can watch TLC or you can watch the news. What will you watch?

Therapist: News I guess.

Fred: That was a trick question. Guys want to watch neither of the two. In normal times the answer is Sports but during meals, the answer is Man vs Wild or any of the other shows involving men extracting essential nutrients from animal shit. It’s called a edible escapade. We want to watch gross shit. But we aren’t allowed to. But the fact that you don’t even want to is emblematic of your situation.

Therapist: Look you are making it seem like I have no power. I take active part in the decision making process of the house. My opinion matters.

Fred: What color are the curtains in the living room?

Therapist: Yellow. I know because I selected them. Hah.

Fred: You’re in too deep for me to help you. The correct answer is how the hell would I know because I never gave a shit. You know in the time you spent on selecting the curtain, Bear Grylls could have taught you how to survive a Blizzard.