My Wife Accused My Dog of Toxic Masculinity
When Your Dog Needs a Lesson in Consent
“Jacob! Stop chasing Maple! That’s toxic masculinity!”
That’s what my wife shouted across the living room as our dog, Jacob, sprinted after our cat, Maple, with all the subtlety of a freight train. Maple, hissing and unimpressed, launched herself onto the top of the fridge, where she perched like a feline referee. Jacob, panting and wagging his tail like he’d just won an imaginary race, stared up at her, completely clueless.
I blinked. “Did you just accuse the dog of toxic masculinity?”
“Yes,” she said, without missing a beat. “Look at him — no respect for boundaries, can’t take no for an answer. It’s textbook.”
“Excuse me, what?”
She pointed at Jacob, who was now panting like he’d just climbed Everest. “Look at him! He’s obsessed with dominating her. He doesn’t know how to take no for an answer. That’s toxic masculinity.”
I stared at Jacob, who has the IQ of a squeaky toy and the emotional depth of a puddle, and thought, Well, this escalated quickly.
The Case Against Jacob
My wife presented her evidence with the gusto of a prosecutor in a courtroom drama.
