New Catholic Rules on Confession Lead to Chaos
A Deluge of Mishaps and Misdemeaners by Phone, Text, and Email
Many people outside the Catholic Church may be unaware of the new rules for confession implemented at the beginning of Lent. Only now are the disastrous consequences coming to light.
Church suggested that people should confess their serious sins right away, instead of waiting a month or so for their next formal confession. Normally, confession must take place in person, but the Church has allowed people to call, text or email the priest.
These noble intentions unfortunately backfired, leading to massive scrupulosity among the people. Some people texted their priest several times a day, even for bad thoughts. Priests’ phones were ringing nonstop, and their email inboxes were inundated with hundreds of confessions.
The use of email for confession has proved to be highly unreliable. After each confession via email, the priest is supposed to immediately delete it. At St. Anastasia parish in Scranton, Pennsylvania, one lackadaisical priest left his messages in his inbox. Regrettably, his computer was hacked, and all the sinners’ names were posted on Facebook.
One mafioso in New York, who still had a conscience from his Italian Catholic upbringing, sent an email to a local priest confessing the sins of extortion, money-laundering, and murder. Unfortunately, the email also went out to all his contacts on Gmail. Needless to say, he was forced to board the next flight to Naples and go into hiding.
One man called his priest and confessed he had a lustful thought about a woman, an envious thought about his neighbour, and an angry thought toward a co-worker.
The priest replied, “I absolve you of all your sins. You are forgiven.”
“Oh, yes, I also had a bad thought about Donald Trump.”
“That is definitely not a sin.”
“But there’s one more thing . . . This is really hard to admit . . . I had a bad thought about you. I think your sermons are long and boring.”
“That is the one unforgiveable sin that Jesus mentioned in the Scriptures.”
“Really? Am I going to hell?”
“No, but you will spend a thousand years in Purgatory.”
“Please, isn’t there something I can do for penance?”
“Actually, I am just joking! Thank you for the constructive feedback. I forgive you and God forgives you.”
One particularly scrupulous woman from Montana originally confessed to yelling at her kids and getting into an argument with her husband. She texted her priest her sins and he absolved her, giving her the penance of praying one Hail Mary.
She texted back the next day, “I said the Hail Mary, but I still feel guilty. How could forgiveness be so simple?”
The priest texted back, “Jesus died for your sins, so they are totally forgiven by Him and forgotten. He loves you so much that He would have died for you, even if you were the only person in the world.”
“But I still feel guilty.”
The conversation went back and forth until the priest was so exasperated he texted her, “OK, for your penance I would like you to pray 5 Rosaries while walking barefoot in the snow, then come home and spend the rest of the day telling your husband and kids what a bad person you are.”
The next day she responded, “I did it! It’s such a relief! Thanks so much!”
Due to all the issues mentioned above, the Vatican has decided to return to the regular practice of confession, while still trying to persuade people to let go of their Catholic guilt.
