New from Apple — The iPhone XXL 75378538678356832 Ultra-Slim Extra

It comes in green for only $20000000000 extra…

Did someone vomit on my phone? — Photo: Cellular Country

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

No! It’s a new iPhone that’s coming to take your soul.

Ever since our phones that are named after fruit came out, we here at Apple have been raking in the dolla dolla.

So guess what? Yep, we want to sell you a device you don’t need but get this…we’ve only gone and done it in green!!

We offer very reasonable rates of $67904709854275097 per month with deals that include:

• Calls
• Texts
• Faxes
• Internet up to 5 yards away from your house
• Calls to Uganda
• Calls from Uganda
• Calls to those people who ring you all the time even though you’d prefer it if they’d just text you.

It doesn’t stop there!

For an extra $7982590570957 plus a camel, we’ll throw in bonus features such as:

• Making your iPhone spontaneously combust when annoying relatives ring.
• Giving you an electric shock when you try to take a snap of your food for “the gram”