New Medications and the Serious Side Effects Which May Occur
Don’t say we didn’t warn you
Effluvia: For migraines
Side Effects: May result in unwholesome odors, profane outbursts and male-pattern baldness; other common side effects include dizziness, drowsiness and stomach ache.
AttaMan: For male-pattern baldness
Side Effects: Possibly significant rogaine and loss of muscle tone, along with a touch of dizziness, a scootch of drowsiness and just a smidge of stomach ache.
Mastadon: Muscle building supplement
Side Effects: Increased body hair, tusk development (usually mild) and Bactrim-resistant infections, in addition to extreme dizziness, drowsiness and stomach ache.
Frontrim: For infections that do not respond to Bactrim
Side Effects: Strong urge to be line leader, mouth sores, increased drowsiness, dizziness, and stomach ache.
Blarnium: For mouth sores
Side Effects: Impulse to sit by peat fires and spin tall tales (which can alleviate anxiety you’re experiencing about your dizziness, drowsiness and stomach ache), difficulty processing words like “solicitude.”
Solicitude: For repeatedly misusing words like “solicitude”
Side Effects: Tendency to abuse the medication Solicitude and antisocial behavior, as well as a tendency towards drowsiness. Dizziness and stomach ache have sometimes occurred.
Koinonia: For reducing antisocial behavior
Side Effects: Uncontrollable desire to dizzily and drowsily hold hands with strangers and sing “Kumbaya” and “(Stomach) Achy Breaky Heart,” chronic indecision.
Adjudicate: For when you can’t decide what the hell is wrong with you
Side Effects: A sudden fixation on Judge Judy and Simon Cowell, inexplicable wild animal bite wounds, drowsiness, dizziness, and, rarely, stomach ache.
Zooloft: For inexplicable wild animal bite wounds
Side Effects: That “caged in” feeling, acid reflux, belching, even more dizziness than usual, drowsiness, stomach ache.
Inquisitor: For acid reflux, belching
Side Effects: May cause persecution, especially if you are a resident of medieval Spain. Osteoporosis has been reported. You may also experience occasional dizziness, drowsiness and stomach ache.
Bonearoo: For osteoporosis
Side Effects: Night Sweats (and other indie bands) may occur. Resting bitch face has been observed. Discontinue use if you experience drowsiness or dizziness; in case of stomach ache, however, you’ll just have to suck it up.
Adorabilify: For resting bitch face
Side Effects: Cuteness overload, including sparkly eyes and dimple growth (which could be fatal), an overwhelming sense of impending doom. Drowsiness, dizziness and stomach ache have been reported.
Helpamine: For an overwhelming sense of impending doom
Side Effects: Inability to speak without with a comic Italian accent, also a-dizziness, a-drowsiness and a-stomacha-ache
Sideaffective: For a-dizziness, a-drowsiness and a-stomacha ache
Side Effects: May result in migraines, baldness, loss of muscle tone, Bactrim-resistant infection, mouth sores, inability to use “solicitude” in a sentence, antisocial behavior, chronic indecision, acid reflux, belching, inexplicable wild animal bite wounds, osteoporosis, resting bitch face, and sense (usually overwhelming) of doom (often impending).
Caution: Do not drive, operate heavy machinery, pilot small aircraft, dance with the stars, lead marching bands or run for office while taking these medications.
Ask your doctor if any or all of these are right for you.
