New, More Relatable Nobel Prize Categories Announced

Sue D. Gelber
Oct 5, 2018 · 3 min read

The Nobel Prize for Psychics, and other fun additions!

Here at the Nobel Prize Committee, we’ve been giving out prizes since 1901 and admittedly, we’re a little slow to change. But this year, we decided to take a page from the people who do the Oscars and expand our categories to make ourselves trendy! (Or as we say over here in Scandinavia, trendig!) Also, we’re really hoping these new prizes will help you forget that we aren’t handing out a literature award this year because of that whole sordid sexual assault scandal. So, check out our new, fun categories!

In addition to the Nobel Peace Prize being awarded this week, we’ll also be handing out the Nobel Piece Prize, to appeal to our American friends! This will be awarded to the person who packs the most heat while also running routine errands like grocery shopping, browsing furniture at Ikea, and/or hitting a nightclub and having the weapon discharge while busting a move on the dance floor.

Also, since Peace doesn’t seem to be valued as a virtue anymore, we’re awarding prizes for what people really want to see: social media wars! So we’ll be handing out the Twitter Poetry Kerfuffle prize (given to the white male whose tone deaf post sparks the most outraged replies); The Facebook Fake News that Went Viral Because Nobody Could Be Bothered to Check Snopes before Sharing Prize; The Instagram Post that Resulted in a High-Profile Resignation Prize; The YouTube Prank Gone Wrong Prize; The Nobel Prize for the Most Savage Use of a GIF; and the coveted Nobel Prize for Mansplaining (thanks to the recently televised Senate hearings, competition is sure to be stiff!).

The Nobel Prize for Literature, as you know, has been put on ice this year. But we are pleased to award the Nobel Prize for Harry Potter Fan Fiction, given to the amateur author who most vividly portrays Harry as a vampire.

The Nobel Prize in Economic Science is boring and the work is abstruse, so this year we’re also giving out the Nobel Prize in Home Economic Science, bestowed to the person who, now that marijuana is legal in more states, can whip up the best hash brownies in four easy steps.

The Nobel Prize for Medicine usually goes to someone who makes a scientifically valid medical breakthrough. But we’re also awarding the Nobel Prize for Pseudo Medicine, given to the person who can most convincingly argue that no matter what is wrong with you, the Keto diet can fix it.

Sure, it’s easy to win the Nobel Chemistry Prize if you have a fully-equipped and staffed lab at your disposal. So, we’re upping the challenge by recognizing the best low-level drug dealer who can cook meth in a bathtub WITHOUT STAINING THE ENAMEL with the Nobel Home Chemistry Prize.

And finally, in addition to the Nobel Prize for Physics, we’re also awarding a Nobel Prize for Psychics. Winners will know who they are.

We’ll be awarding these prizes throughout the month of October, so stay tuned!

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The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Sue D. Gelber

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Runner, writer, dog lover, bad yogi. Humor Editor at The Museum of Americana literary review. More info at suedgelber.com.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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