New Saints for a New Century
The old ones just don’t cut it anymore
Published in
2 min readOct 6, 2017
Catholicism has been going for a while, and they’ve managed to come up with saints for just about everything. But times have changed, and we need some new saints. Here’s a list of my suggestions. Feel free to add your own in the responses.
- The patron saint of space travel—we have Saint Christopher for Earth-bound travel, but I’m not sure he can hack it in space. And let’s face it, the way we’re burning through this planet, we’re gonna need a new one pretty damn soon.
- The patron saint of domestic water-heating systems — they break down at the worst of times (when you’re covered in shower gel, for example), and are definitely in need of some heavenly protection.
- The patron saint of brunch — everybody loves brunch. Why can’t the spiritual guides partake, too?
- The patron saint of body piercings — because a badly-done body piercing can be a nasty thing, and may even lead to infection and death. Having a saint for this shit just makes sense.
- The patron saint of tattoos — don’t make such a life-changing decision before consulting the Lord’s representative. Also, if you’re going to get a tattoo in a language you don’t understand, make sure you pray to the saint to send you a dictionary, too.
- The patron saint of sportswear — so many people wear sportswear, yet they never seem to get any fitter. No matter how much they wear these clothes, the only time they sweat is when they eat. Pray to Jesus’s fitness coach for some guidance on how to shed the flab.
- The patron saint of smartphones — for that moment just after you’ve dropped your brand new iPhone but before you’ve picked it up to see whether or not the screen has cracked. Please, Saint DJ Snappy Snap, please don’t let it be so!
William Alan McNeice writes mostly comedy, but sometimes depressing stuff, too. Here are some more things for you to browse, depending on whether you want funny or depressing:
