New Tax Cut Announced

And you won’t get a dime

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin admitted today that the Treasury Department planned to bypass Congress and make a new tax cut out of nothing but accounting bullshit and thin air. “This will put money into the pockets of the people who matter most,” he told Congress. “Americans who can invest that money back into the economy but they won’t because they’d earn more money from an offshore bank.”

Mnuchin explained the math, which he refers to as an Enron End Run, to members of Congress with no better grasp of math, or economics than the average American, and yet still feel qualified to run the economy. His detailed equation boiled down to the following:

We want more money in our pockets.
We aren’t going to wait for you to clear it.
You’re irrelevant.

“This will put money into the pockets of the people who matter most. Americans who can invest that money back into the economy but they won’t because they’d earn more money from an offshore bank.”

Republicans agreed the message couldn’t be more clear and were fine with that. Democrats, however, repeatedly asked how a tax that benefits the top .05 percent of the top 1 percent of the top .5 percent would help ordinary Americans.

“Frankly, Congressman, we didn’t give ordinary Americans a thought,” Mnuchin replied.

“Do you intend to index the taxes ordinary Americans pay on their savings investments?” asked an angry Claire McCaskill.

“Why?” he answered. “They might save six hundred dollars. What could they do with that? Besides, even with a strong jobs report, Americans don’t get paid enough to save.”

“Even with a strong jobs report, Americans don’t get paid enough to save.”

Mnuchin's simplified explanation of the tax plan for Congress. — Mnuchin’s simplified explanation of the tax plan for Congress.

The White House touts the new tax plan as a $100 billion tax savings for every American, but mostly Drumpf and National Economic Council Advisor Larry Kudlow who will recoup $24 billion and $70 billion. Staff members refer to the cut as the Larry Kudlow Memorial Tax Cut.

The two men spent the afternoon counting out the money they saved on taxes in the hour since the plan went into effect. It totaled 35 million dollars.

When asked by reporters later in the afternoon how the nation could take another $100 billion hit on the deficit, Drumpf said, “You guys don’t get it. I’ve declared bankruptcy so many times whole states are starving from the money I shafted them out of. It hasn’t hurt me a bit. It won’t hurt the country.”

Kudlow was more defensive. “Look, the economy gets nothing from the stuff the government spends money on. My kids have grandkids in private schools overseas. What good is educating your kids going to do mine? How will my family benefit from government health care when we have a private concierge doctor on call 24 hours a day?”

“The economy gets nothing from the stuff the government spends money on. My kids have grandkids in private schools overseas. What good is educating your kids going to do mine?”

The two men climbed into a private helicopter discovered at the EPA after Scott Pruitt resigned, and flew off to play golf in Scotland.

Asked to defend Drumpf’s comments, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “You know, if you people did something productive for this country, maybe you could cash in on the gravy train. Keep whining, and you’ll be lucky if the economy throws you a bone.”