The Haven
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The Haven

The President creeps artist Joaquin Espinoza during preliminary sketches. Espinoza was deported when he delivered the finished proof. (Defense Department)

New White House Seal Unveiled

Symbolizes war and more war.

On the eve of his diplomatic junket to bash NATO and suck up to Russian monarch Vladimir Putin, the President unveiled “the most significant change to the symbolism of my office in the history of symbolism or my office.”

Reporters trapped the President while he crossed the Rose Garden hours before his departure. They pelted him with questions about diplomacy toward America’s European allies, and the appearance that he was kissing Putin’s ass. Unable to stem the tide of rebound questions to his answers, he pulled a finished proof from the cardboard tube.

He revealed the new Presidential seal, which would hang next to his portraits in the Oval Office, just above his bookshelf filled with copies of The Art of the Deal. The new seal depicts what pundits have called the Treagle — POTUS’s face superimposed on the American Eagle. The traditional red, white and blue shield is now gold, as are many of the other elements.

The new seal depicts what pundits have called the Treagle — POTUS’s face superimposed on the American Eagle.

Perhaps the most important changes are the replacement of the arrows and olive branch with ICBM’s, free flowing cash and the destruction of NAFTA. The familiar phrase, e pluribus unum (out of the many, one) is now, ab una magnitudine.

A source inside the White House told The Haven the President asked google to translate “out of the one, greatness” into Latin. Latin scholars, however, suggest the phrase ab una magnitudine more accurately means, “one size fits all.”

The President asked google to translate “out of the one, greatness” into Latin. Latin scholars, however, suggest the phrase ab una magnitudine more accurately means, “one size fits all.”

The new Presidential seal with revised symbolism. (click to enlarge)

“Nobody shoots arrows anymore,” the President explained his decision to replace the traditional symbols. “The only people who ever did aren’t even Americans, just some immigrants we evicted to develop this great land. And who ever heard of a tree branch with green berries? Stupid symbol, stupid.”

“Actually, the symbols were arrows and olive branch, waging peace and war,” suggested CNN’s Jim Acosta. “A reference to the need for a President to balance power with diplomacy.”

“What kind of crazy liberal bullshit is that?” the President lashed out. “American never won anything with diplomacy. My seal symbolizes war and more war. Trade wars to force great trade deals, and all-out wars to force great peace deals. No fear, no power.”

The President also revealed the new seal has a reverse side. The flip side is burnished bronze and depicts a “Ban Europe” symbol with the motto: “Deadbeat Europe. Pay up loser$.” He intends to present the seal to allies when the NATO summit closes.

The flip side is burnished bronze and depicts a “Ban Europe” symbol with the motto: “Deadbeat Europe. Pay up loser$.”

Unlike previous seals, the new one has an anti-Europe flip side.

B.G. Kizzazz, Chief of Staff John Kelly’s assistant deputy, confirmed for reporters that the President is so happy with the image, he insists they refer to him with the call sign “Eagle,” and that his official acronym be changed to EPOTUS (Eagle POTUS). He even demanded that the Apollo 11 landing module be placed inside the Oval Office with a banner reading, “The Eagle has landed.”

“He wanted to replace his desk with the module, so he can sit inside and Tweet while he conducts business. ‘How cool would that be?’ His exact words,” Kizzazz confided. “Several staff members explained that the module is sitting on the moon’s surface but he dismissed us with, ’So get it back. How hard can it be?’”

The new seal’s designer, Sante Fe artist Joaquin Alban Espinoza, was awarded the job after the President personally approved his proposal. According to a White House staff member, “when he saw the preliminary sketches with his head on the eagle, he told us, ‘offer whatever that guy asks.’”

When the President sat for his portrait, he realized Espinoza, “wasn’t quite white.” He ordered Espinoza’s deportation and refused to pay since he wasn’t a citizen.

Espinoza’s father was a member of Congress for two terms and his mother’s family settled the New Mexico territory after the Civil War. When contacted, ICE admitted it would be easier to locate the missing children than to find Espinoza.

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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