News from Absurdistan
NEWSPAPER RENAMED.
BALTIMORE — The venerable Baltimore Sun was renamed today. It will be called the Baltimore Smog. In related news, the solar industry has lost the coordinates of the sun and has not been able to relocate this extremely important celestial body. “It started during the wildfires,” said congressional science advisor and talk radio personality Helena Handbasket, “and the damn thing just got away.” Democrats cried foul and kept on crying as Republicans blocked subsidies for alternative energy. In an interview with the Baltimore Smog, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), a climate expert funded by Chevron and ConocoPhillips, said, “Solar panels won’t power your lights at night, and too many solar panels were sucking up too much of the sun’s energy. No wonder it disappeared. We may as well keep burning gas and oil.”
CLIMATE CHANGE RENAMED
WASHINGTON DC — Formerly known as “global warming” and renamed a kinder, gentler “climate change” during the early 2000s, the phenomenon is again being renamed. It will henceforth be called a “Regionally Curated Subscription Box of Artisanal Apocalypses.” Reaction is mixed. Congressional Democrats were upset about canceling something so useful as a permanently underfunded rallying cry, and Republicans were jubilant. “It is hoped that the new, more nuanced name will be more forgettable, thus tamping down unnecessary fears,” said an Exxon employee and former Secretary of State who asked not to be named because he was not authorized to speak to the media.
CLEAN COAL POLICY TO BE SCRUBBED, SAYS FORMER PRESIDENT
MAR-A-LAGO — In a surprise announcement yesterday, former President Donald Trump vowed to suspend the nation’s Clean Coal Policy if he’s elected, due to a forecast rise in the cost of soap. Instead of clean coal, the former president is floating an alternative greenhouse gas conservation program. He will, if elected, direct EPA to reduce emissions by establishing mandatory limits on cow farts. An intergovernmental panel will study experimental plugs for the nation’s dairy and beef cattle herds, to limit methane emissions. In a pilot program, fewer than 100 of the plugged cows exploded, and only 50 accelerated to more than 70 mph when plugs were accidentally removed.
NEW EXERCISE STUDY FUNDED
WASHINGTON DC — Congress appropriated $2.6 million for a new study on the potential health benefits of juggling for Members of Congress during their busy days on Capitol Hill. Professional juggler and former Enron executive Ken Layaway endorsed the study, saying, “Whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, juggling is good for you — a well-timed Moschen Crystal Ball Routine followed by a Reverse Cascade Throw can add fitness and fun to a humdrum day of normal spin.”
VOTER REFORMS MAKE IT EASIER TO COUNT VOTES BECAUSE THERE WILL BE FEWER OF THEM
ATLANTA — Republicans are burning the crosses at both ends in their efforts to make it harder for certain minorities to vote. After Texas made it a felony to use the numbers 16 and 19 together, other states are making early voting and vote-by-mail illegal, but “Dammit, why are those people still voting?” asked Congresswoman and soup chef Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Neanderthal). In the latest proposed legislation, voters in minority districts will be required to out-juggle a United States Senator in a Reverse Cascade Throw.
MONOPOLY RELEASES NEW ‘VOTER SUPPRESSION’ VERSION OF BELOVED BOARD GAME FEATURING ASSET FORFEITURE
SAN FRANCISCO — The people who brought you Monopoly are launching a new version of this old favorite that brings back landlord evictions, breadlines, and introduces new penalties for voting. In addition to a smaller money supply, Park Place and Boardwalk will be fenced off, parking will no longer be free, and jail will be expanded to cover approximately half the board.
CLIMATE CHANGE REACTING TO MORE NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS, SCIENTIST SAYS
WASHINGTON DC — Switching power plant and factory emissions to nighttime would hide them from the prying gaze of the public, says Arfur Foulksayke, spokesman for Senator and climate scientist funded by his own coal company Joe Manchin (D-WVA). According to Manchin’s scientific paper recently published by the Lorem Ipsum Excellence Society (LIES), it’s cooler at night, and thus there’s less warming of the atmosphere with nocturnal emissions as opposed to daytime ones. The paper also points out one of the side benefits of an abundance of carbon: when electrical service is interrupted, people can still make carbon copies, switch to graphite pencils, and enjoy extra fizz in their carbonated drinks.
GREENHOUSE GAS VOLUNTARY REGISTRY REVAMPED
WASHINGTON DC — Senator Manchin’s science-based advocacy for nocturnal emissions has resulted in a revamping of the nation’s voluntary Greenhouse Gas Registry. “For industries who wish to participate in lowering the Earth’s future projected average temperature from 100 degrees to a more comfortable 75 degrees,” Manchin said, “I am proposing to reward corporations who register early with coupons good for special discounts at the IRS.” To enhance the Registry, a chapel is also being proposed for mergers, acquisitions, and holy hegemony.
— — — — And that’s the way it is. — — — — —
