Drumpf pauses to play a video proving the superiority of his gut over anyone else’s brain during a marathon press conference. (Daniel Hunziga)

No Brain Bigger than Drumpf’s Gut

Just ask him. He’ll drop his trousers to show you.

Drumpf opened up to his enemies at the front lines of the fake news this week and left them speechless. “I have a gut, and my gut tells me more sometimes than anybody else’s brain can ever tell me.”

This wasn’t news to anyone, especially since his gut hangs over his belt buckle like a dying whale on the beach, but his willingness to acknowledge it seemed remarkably self-aware. Until the interview was released and everyone realized he thought his gut was a good thing.

“I have a gut. A huge gut…No brain’s big enough to match all the big beef in my gut. My gut shits better ideas than the biggest brains in the world.”

The Washington Post printed the interview verbatim, with bon mots that could only come from the gut, especially one in gastric distress after too many Big Macs.

  • “And when you’re talking about an atmosphere, oceans are very small. And it blows over and it sails over.”
  • “Let me go off the record because I don’t want to get in the middle of the whole thing.”
  • “It just flows right down the Pacific, it flows, and we say where does this come from. And it takes many people to start off with.”
Short White House video comparing Drumpf's gut to Einstein's brain.
Short White House video comparing Drumpf’s gut to Einstein’s brain.

Drumpf wasn’t finished even though the interviewers were. As the ridicule over his words mounted he Tweeted: “The entire interview was off the record. You can read it somewhere in the middle when I said we’re in the middle so the record ends.”

This morning he doubled down with a press conference to prove the superiority of his gut over the “brainiest brain.” Not only did he defend his gut, he provided x-rays and charts of his gut to prove it’s superiority.

Rather than wasting a time adding our own words to the story, The Haven staff decided to report his words as is.[1]

I have a gut. A huge gut. The biggest gut in the world and no brain’s big enough to match all the big beef in my gut. My gut shits better ideas than the biggest brains in the world.

“Guts and balls. That’s what I give this country and no country can ask for more from their President. Not brains.”

The only thing bigger than my gut is my balls. Gigantic balls. I have special pants tailor-made to hide my balls because women would faint if they saw them. My first three wives? Comas for the entire honeymoon and that’s after they saw pictures to prepare them.

Guts and balls. That’s what I give this country and no country can ask for more from their President. Not brains. Obama says he has brains even though he forged his Harvard diploma. And his birth certificate. And his marriage license too from what I heard. And you got nothing in return.

X-Ray of Drumpf's gut to verify his claims. (Balls X-Ray not shown.)
X-Ray of Drumpf’s gut to verify his claims. (Balls X-Ray not shown.) (FatM1ke)

Everybody says “Albert Einstein. Big brain. Biggest brain ever.” What did his big brain ever give us? A bunch of numbers nobody understands and no-one important cares about. What did my gut give you? I gave you a border wall, got rid of those pesky pre-existing conditions, and more nukes. A lot more nukes. Einstein never gave us nukes. If we had to wait on Einstein’s big brain to sit in his elitist Princeton office and scribble more numbers, we’d never have nukes. If I’d a been alive back then, we’d have nuked Japan and ended World War II early. That’s what you get when you trust a big gut over a big brain.

At this point, Drumpf played an animated video directly comparing his gut to Einstein’s brain.

“Look at how I stood up to Russia and North Korea by kissing Vlad’s and Kim’s asses. That takes balls.”

Let me tell you. My gut’s huge. Nobody’s got a big gut like mine.

Look at all the things I came up with for the world:

  • Safe tear gas.
  • Safe climate change, which is a hoax, which is why I was the first President to make it safe. The only President.
  • Safe immigrants. As in none. Cause they’re not crossing our borders.
  • Great health care that costs nothing because it covers nothing. As long as you don’t get sick, you have the best health care in the world.
  • Tax breaks for the rich that work for you. Our tax breaks make the rich so much richer, you can stand under their feet and catch it when it trickles down to you. You never had such great tax breaks for the rich as I gave you and I did it with my gut.
  • No need for school. That’s right, if you use your gut like me you can miss class, skip tests, tell principals what you really think and when they get uppity you can call your parents to buy a new gym and graduate. Think of all the money we’ll save when our kids quit wasting time in school and make a fortune with their guts.
  • No nukes in Iran. Obama paid them to not make nukes. Now we’re not paying them. It’s as simple as that. But they won’t make them because they know I don’t back down to anyone. No one. Look at how I stood up to Russia and North Korea by kissing Vlad’s and Kim’s asses. That takes balls. And guts. No one else has the guts to keep peace by kissing their asses. And make a few hundred million on the side. Unreportable income, so it doesn’t show up on my taxes. And look at reporters. No one has ever stood up to reporters like me. And immigrants. We showed them. They’re too scared to come within a hundred miles of our border, except for the hardened terrorist children and we’ve got tear gas for them. Safe, harmless, lethal deterrent tear gas.

Drumpf continued to expound well past six o’clock, but no one took notes because they went home for cocktails and pain killers. According to the White House janitors he was still speaking to the empty room at 11 p.m. EST


[1] How many different ways can we describe the same catastrophe that breaks out every twenty-four hours? Some days twice or three times.

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Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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