No Irish Luck for White House Staff?
POTUS clings to his pots of gold
The luck of the Irish ran out for a number of Federal employees the week before St. Patty’s day and that’s just the way the President likes it. On Monday he tried on his green tuxedo and top hat for a March 17 event when he learned the Treasury Department issued sanctions against Russia and Tillerson planned to attend the talks with Kim Jong Un.
He stomped on the hand-tailored top hat, for which his private tailor billed the White House $2500, and shouted, “This is my pot of gold and no one gets to piss in it. No one distracts from the fake news but me.” Since this was Mnuchin’s first offense, the President needed to fire someone else. he pulled the trigger on Tillerson and made notes of his next targets on his phone.
“This is my pot of gold and no one gets to piss in it. No one distracts from the fake news but me.”
White House insiders confirm that in most weeks one sacrifice is enough to appease 45, who they now call PWTHA.[1] Not so this week. On Tuesday he continued to rampage through the White House like a T-Rex on steroids, biting staff member’s heads and Tweeting so often that Twitter was forced to delete ninety percent of them to avoid choking their feed.
During the course of the day he ordered the firing of HR McMaster, Sara Huckabee Sanders, Ben Carson, David Shulkin and even Betsy DeVos — all of whom “pissed on my pot of gold.” Kelly tried to talk him out of the firings but DeVos, so POTUS spared her. Then he fired Kelly.
“Why don’t you fire the guy you really want to fire?” Kelly said. “Andrew McCabe? He’s up for retirement Sunday, fire him this week and he loses everything.”
“Why don’t you fire the guy you really want to fire?” Kelly said. “Andrew McCabe? He’s up for retirement Sunday, fire him this week and he loses everything.”
Thus began the President’s plot to torture McCabe the entire week before St. Patty’s day, ruining his retirement and holiday plans. POTUS spent every moment calling Sessions and orchestrating leaks that Attorney General was reviewing whether or not to release him before he retired.
“Total nonsense, of course,” a source inside the White House confided. “He doesn’t let Sessions make any decisions. He issues the order and signs Sessions’ name. How do you know it was PWTHA? Because he fired him in a fucking email sent to his work server after he left for the weekend. Sessions would at least call McCabe and say he couldn’t remember whether a decision had been made.”
In the meantime, 45 forgot he ordered the other firings.
“No luck of the Irish for that Mick,” POTUS crowed after sending the email. “I gave him a pot of shit for St. Patrick’s day.” He celebrated with three Big Macs, three fish sandwiches and an extra chocolate shake before joining his family (without Melania) for dinner at Marcel’s.
“No luck of the Irish for that Mick,” POTUS crowed after sending the email. “I gave him a pot of shit for St. Patrick’s day.”
How much luck McCabe lost and how much shit POTUS piled remains open to question, however. Representative Marc Pocan of Wisconsin offered to hire him for the two days he needed to complete retirement. When the President heard the news he Tweeted, “What kind of world won’t let a fired man STAY FIRED. Thanks Dems, now we know you TOOK MONEY from CROOKED HILLARY too.”
[1]: Pronounced pɑ/tweɪ, the name means, “The President Who Think’s He’s Almighty.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
