No, John. The Balls Were Just Okay
A cover letter for my favorite conglomerate.
Pasted below is a legitimate cover letter I sent out. I was getting real sick and tired of writing bland cover letters that weren’t being read anyway. You may call it unprofessional, but I call it having a personality.
Position: Retail Store Administrative Support
Company: Furniture Conglomerate
How I can help you, [company-name].
I make excel spreadsheets and organize data for fun — for my final capstone project, my art piece was an installation using my calendar schedule that I had collected every day for all four years of college, since the very day I set foot on campus. I also collect the time it takes for me to get to work, respective to the road I take, with variance in time of departure. With a hobby for record keeping and data analysis, I will perform beyond the scope of what other prospective applicants will, because that’s what I love to do. A passion in data comes with a detail-oriented and accountability mindset. Combined with my previous supervisory experience that relies on interpersonal communication, I can provide positive accountability for co-workers and excellent customer service.
My background as a Medical Scribe at an ER, along with being a Head Resident Assistant will be of great use for this position — caring for others’ well-being, professional and confidential, solving problems calmly in a stressful environment, and extreme reliability.
Why I want to join you.
You’re probably wondering why I’m looking for a position despite having a full-time job. The answer is because I’d love to put my hobby to work. I want to meet new people from various backgrounds, further hone my data analysis skills, and have a reason to go to [company-name] for at least 3 times a week — why not do all that while earning some extra cash?
Customers and other [company-name] employees alike mention the family hospitality that [company-name] provides. The idea of ‘big company but small group feel’ is what I look for in everything — the college I went to, my current job, and my friend groups.
It’s a win-win situation.
Unconventionally conventional — that’s how I describe [company-name] to my friends. To an average person, “furniture stores” are one of the most boring places one’s grandmother likes to take them on an afternoon, yet you make it fun and enjoyable. It’s like living in Bushwick without plaid and a mustache — unconventionally conventional. [company-name] is full of energy, I am full of energy, let’s swipe right.
Yours truly,
Kaung
[company-name] responded to me in under 16 hours for a phone interview. Was it the cover letter? Was it just standard procedure to have a phone screen with anybody with a 4-year degree? Or was it my dashing name? I’ll never know.
As soon as I sent this letter out, I knew it was my calling. Recently, as I dive back deep into the urine-filled cesspool of a shi*tshow called job search, I find myself writing more of this once again. Join me and my adventure of job search while being less boring and more honest — perhaps a little too honest.
