No Need to Fear, At Least Your Newborn is Here!

Now give us $500,000

image by author

I know the last twelve hours have been painful and exhausting, but you did it! Your beautiful baby boy is safe and healthy. He’s so precious. Soak it in, this is as good as life gets.

Now that you’ve soaked it in, I should inform you that you owe us $500,000.

Unfortunately, your insurance called us this morning and said, “We don’t feel like paying for any of her medical bills,” so they aren’t going to. That means you’re on your own!

It appears your joy has faded.

Don’t be discouraged. If you had given birth three hours later, you would’ve been charged an extra $50,000. By the way, if you don’t leave within the next three hours, you’ll be charged an extra $50,000.

Please don’t cry, I hate emotions.

Here, take this tissue and shut up.

I’m the guy who sets the prices for these hospitals. You’re lucky I came to visit you, I prefer to stay in the shadows.

Now before I go back to my cave where I’ll avoid common people for another thirty years, I’ve decided to explain how our prices are determined. This will hopefully put you at ease.