No, This is Not a War

We’re just politely killing each other

Good morning, and thank you for joining me on such short notice. I’ve been charged with briefing you all on the situation with Iran and correcting a major misconception.

As a Department of Defense spokesperson, I can assure you that, despite what you may have heard, we are not at war or in any way in direct conflict with Iran, nor do we wish to be. Yes, they’ve killed our soldiers and we’ve killed scores of them in return, but that’s not at all the same as being in direct conflict.

You see, it all has to do with where things happen. Iran hit our base in Jordan. Now, most Americans probably don’t realize this — in fact, we’ve fielded many calls from concerned citizens asking who Jordan is, and why our soldiers were stationed around him. Actually, though, Jordan is a country, and not part of the United States. At all. It’s a whole different country from us that allows us to operate within it. And that’s where Iran attacked us. And when we attacked them back, we did so by hitting their militias in Syria and Iraq. Notice, if you will, that neither of those places is called Iran. The mistake may be that Iran and Iraq sound alike, and so it’s easy for Americans to get them confused — but they are definitely different.

So we have not hit Iran; we’ve just hit Iranians, and that’s a very, very different thing as well.

I see some of you look confused, so perhaps I can help you out with an analogy: If I go to your home, bust in the door, and proceed to beat you with a hammer, I’ve directly attacked you. But if you leave your house, and I murder you on the way to the store, that is not direct, and we are not in direct conflict.

It’s even less direct if I throw the hammer at your head from afar and kill you that way. Then there is no direct connection between me and the hammer and you cannot say it was a direct attack.

Also, let’s be clear about another thing: we are taking this situation very seriously and will continue to respond with deadly and devastating force, but this is not an escalation and should not be seen as an overtly aggressive act in any way whatsoever.

Make no mistake about it: the Biden administration will continue to send a strong message, and Iran should know that we are fully prepared to do anything to keep America safe. We will stop at nothing. Except war, that is. Unless they want a war, then we’re completely gung-ho and ready to kick ass. But we’re not looking for that. We’re just sending a strong, strong message that says we will utterly destroy you if you even look at us wrong. But not by going to war, which the president is very much against. But he will kill as many people as necessary, so don’t try anything.

I think our position is clear. Rest assured, we will continue to bomb and kill, but will not be taking any war-like actions.

Thank you. God bless America.