The Haven
Published in

The Haven

Nobody Cares About Your Disdain For Pineapple On Pizza

If this comes up early in conversation with someone you know it’s going to be a dead end.

Image by Fae via Wikimedia Commons

It’s not an opinion, it’s a cult. Yeah okay, so is every opinion nowadays, but this is different. You start to claim that pineapple isn’t all that bad, maybe, kind of- “nooooooo, it doesn’t goooo, that’s soooo wrooong!"- at this point you regret entertaining the topic, and you wait for the opportunity to pseudo agree with them.

I should probably address these people now if they’ve angrily strolled into the article at this point with knuckledusters equipped. I DO NOT BELONG TO EITHER CAMP. Frankly, I just get irked by your personalities more often than the other side. My take on the whole thing is that sometimes it can be a nice little addition, but ultimately I wouldn’t have it if I was eating top shelf stuff, because no, it doesn’t really go on pizza.

HOWEVER, neither do a lot of things that you still see on pizza, and they don’t have nearly the same pitchfork congregations up their backsides. For starters, I don’t think bacon goes on pizza, not necessarily an attack on bacon, but I just find it doesn’t sing the same tune as the other ingredients (see you can be a fanatic without being intolerable).

My opinion extends to barbecue sauce on pizza, the stuff is basically smoky tasting caramel, and the lot of you went after pineapple?! The facts are, you put barbecue sauce on stuff with the sort of taste you don’t mind drowning out. Yep. Please come at me. I know you have nothing.

Just one second though, I must absolutely, categorically insist that my disdain for the pineapple disdainers is not my only grievance. If you belong to the camp that just can’t wait to tell people that “unpopular opinion y’all: pineapple is GREAT on pizza", just letting you know I hate you too.

Moderation is key, anyone out there that has no strong opinion one way or the other, you’re my kind of people.

For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, download any online dating app. Hold your breath underwater while swiping, and come up when you see this opinion being inflicted on you in their bio. You won’t die. You just won’t. My guess? You’ll come up before the point you would have wanted to inhale anyway.

I just don’t get it, if you really, honestly think that pineapple on pizza is an interesting topic for debate then you really need to grow yourself a personality.

Oh.

Right I’ll see you later.

--

--

--

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Recommended from Medium

S1 • E7 — “I see London, I see France!”

We’re gonna hack the Underworld

Lit Fest fuckwittery

A Step Too Far

An Open Letter to the Girl on 05F

Top 12 Gift Best List I Would Prefer Not To Shirt

British Are Furious With The Rasputin of Downing Street

Simple Joys by Carter’s Toddler and Baby Boys’ Snug Fit Footed Cotton Pajamas, Pack of 3

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Henry Godfrey-Evans

Henry Godfrey-Evans

I like appreciating works of art, as well as attempting to craft some of my own. Check out my podcast! It's called 'Bring a mit' on every platform!

More from Medium

In My Day, They Didn’t Call it Rape

The DIY-ed Windchime

Since When Did Horoscopes Get So Damned Specific?!

Skeletons in More Than One Closet