Notes from a Death Star Retrospective
“The greatest teacher, failure is.”
Ok quiet down everyone, quiet down. I’m Mitch, your new Scrum Master. I want to keep this meeting tight and on time. I have a 10:30 with the new Sith lord, and we know how she gets if you keep her waiting. Am I right?
While this retro is long overdue it’s become a priority now that management is considering another reboot of the Death Star motif… no doubt banking on the ol’ “third times a charm” philosophy. To ensure we don’t repeat the same mistakes of the past (remember people, we strive to “fail differently”) we want to look back, with a critical eye, on the good, bad and ugly of our previous iterations. There are no wrong answers here. Unless Vader chokes you out. Then you may want to reconsider your life choices. Haha, I’m kidding. This is a safe space. As in outer space… where no one can hear you scream! No, there will be no screaming.
Let’s take a few minutes now, have everyone fill out some Post-It Notes and place them on the board under the appropriate column. If you like any of the ones already posted, put a plus mark next to it to show your agreement, and then we’ll go through each in turn to give them proper context and sort out the priorities.
Ready? Time starts now.
Start Doing
Upgrade turbo lasers with automated targeting systems ++++++ — we can make swords out of light and literally defy gravity but we can’t shoot things with programmatic accuracy?
Start considering “small one-man fighters” to be a threat ++ — also anyone with containers holding more than 3ozs of liquid
Hire a third-party Rebel consulting firm to help identify flaws +++ — they’re really good at spotting those details that sounds so obvious when you hear them out loud
Once completed, post the plans directly to social media to avoid having them stolen or smuggled ++ — who are we kidding our cyber-security sucks
Improve our cyber-security ++++ — and avoid future cronyism with the senate; ‘Palpatine Labs’ will no longer be our vendor
Evacuation drills, like they do on cruise ships. Also escape pods that fit more than three… and include a mini-bar ++++++++++++++++++ — are these pluses just for the mini-bar?
More safety railing on interior bridges ++++ — or maybe fewer cavernous spaces requiring bridges
Invest in Galactic paneling +++ — I hear the guys at ‘Palpatine Panels’ are making a killing!
Gender neutral adverbs to match our costumes + — who added this one?
Keep Doing
Storm Trooper mixers and happy hours +++++++++++++++++– no doubt the same group pushing for mini-bars in the escape pods
Open concept design. More streamlined bridges with breathtaking views +++ — this one may be in conflict with the safety railing request
Getting the defensive systems up and running first, before finishing for curb appeal ++++++++ — that was some good forward thinking, Pete. I know the emperor was quite impressed before he “fell off” that bridge… and that one even had safety railing
Keep treating the vastness of space like a unidirectional linear plane, so we don’t get all turned around — +++ not relevant to this project, but sure
Stop Doing
Fewer unshielded thermal reactor vents ++++++ –valid
Fewer Starbucks +++++++++ — also valid
Make the place less “splodey” +++ — true, maybe a large volatile thermal reactor as a central core is not the way to go. Have we considered solar?
Inconsistent UI ++++++++++++ — why does it take 257 buttons to fire the main cannon but only a single lever to turn off the power?
Diversify our color scheme ++++ — less grayscale, more zippy pastels
No masks during scrum ++ — all you white dudes DO look the same with your helmets on
Force Scrum Master to lay off the comedy +++++++++++++++ — the “force” is strong with this one! Sorry, guys, couldn’t resist
Action Items
Get a new Scrum Master +++++++++++++++++++ — Hey!
