Nunes Tape Released with Schumer Memo
Sound file offers insights into efforts to suppress Dem response
The President and GOP continue to follow the talking points outlined in the now famous Nunes memo. POTUS even relied on it to accused the FBI of causing a school shooting because of their “high level deep state” conspiracy to bring him down. (Ignore his conflicting metaphors.) For weeks, the carefully crafted Democratic response fell by the wayside because no one had seen it.
That changed Saturday with news the President approved the release (with extensive redactions), calling it a move toward “government transparency.” As usual, this was White House bluster to cover up the fact that the memo was never supposed to be released but buried for good under a mountain of denial, misdirection, blame and accusations.[1]
A source inside the White House confirmed an aid accidentally attached the memo to an e-mail instead of the White House’s latest disclaimer. That email went to the New York Times, Washington Post, CNN and more than a dozen other sources.
The Haven didn’t receive a copy of the Schumer memo. Instead we received a sound file that sheds light on the White House efforts to suppress the memo. The file includes a conversation between Devin Nunes, Chief of Staff John Kelly and 45.
The White House realized their mistake almost instantly and deleted the email, but I made a copy of the sound file before they could hack my email account. The Haven presents to readers a copy of the sound file. Without editing.
POTUS: Read the story again.
Kelly: I’ve read it six times in the last half hour, sir. You’re supposed to be meeting with members of the Senate on DACA. And you have an appointment with Devin Nunes.
POTUS: Who?
Kelly: Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee. He wrote the fake memo that saved your ass. We spent several days with him telling him what to write. Remember?
POTUS: Don’t worry about DACA. McConnell promised to kill it once and for all by twisting the rules again. Anyone has a problem, let them blame Shifty Schumer. See my new nickname? Shifty Schumer. That’s gonna be a big hit. Now read the story.
“Don’t worry about DACA. McConnell promised to kill it once and for all by twisting the rules again. Anyone has a problem, let them blame Shifty Schumer.”
Kelly: Donald Makes America Great Again.
POTUS: I love that title. Whoever wrote that book should win the Nobel Peace Prize.
Kelly: You mean the prize for literature?
POTUS: All of them. Science too. It’s all fake anyway.
Kelly: Yes, sir. Now listen to the story and then we’ll close the Oval Office so you can enjoy your shakes and Big Macs and take a short nap.
POTUS: I love this story.
Kelly: Once upon a time a businessman named Donald decided to make America great again. He didn’t have to. He was already the richest, most successful businessman in the history of the world.
POTUS: How come my copy doesn’t have words?
Kelly: Because you don’t read. We printed a special copy for you with just the pictures.
POTUS: How much did that cost again?
Kelly: We had to retool the government printing office presses. It cost more than three hundred thousand dollars.
POTUS: Peanuts. And I didn’t pay for any of it? The taxpayers did?
Hope Kicks: Mr. President. Congressman Nunes insists he had an appointment. It’s about this Democratic memo.
POTUS: I didn’t make any such appointment.
Kelly: Yes. You did. It’s right there on your calendar which you would know if you ever read it.
POTUS: Why would I read it? I have people to tell me what it says.
Kelly: Send Nunes in, Hope. And tell Rob his promotion’s in the bag. How’s the black eye by the way?
Hicks: With that military grade makeup, no one will ever notice.
Nunes: Mister President, I have the Democratic memo responding to ours. We really need to discuss it since they’re demanding its release.
POTUS: Read it to me. How long will this take? I’m a busy man. As you can see, I’m conferring with my Chief of Staff.
Nunes: It’s several pages, Mr. President.
POTUS: I love to hear that. Mr. President. I should write an Executive Order making that my lawful name. People won’t disrespect me then.
Kelly: Would you like him to read the memo?
POTUS: Just the bullet points.
Nunes: All the bullet points, or just the points you won’t hate.
POTUS: Just the good ones. The ones that prove I didn’t collude. Which I didn’t. It was just an honest business deal between honest business men. That had nothing to do with my getting elected since Hillary made the crooked deals. She conspired to get me elected. Stupid Crooked Hillary. Where was I?
“It was an honest business deal between honest business men. That had nothing to do with my getting elected since Hillary made the crooked deals.”
Nunes: You wanted me to read the good bullet points. Unfortunately, there aren’t any.
POTUS: Then what are you wasting my time for.
Kelly: He wants to know how we should handle it.
POTUS: We bury it.
Nunes: How do you propose doing that, Mr. President?
POTUS: Jesus H. Mother Fucking Christ on a broken fucking crutch. Kelly and I were conducting important business here when you barged in. What the hell did I set up that slush fund to pay your…What’s his committee again?
Kelly: The House intelligence committee.
POTUS: No to intelligent when they don’t know not to barge into my office when I’m busy. That fund did come out of taxpayer dollars, right John?
Kelly: Yes, Mr. President. We diverted … holy shit! What’s that red light under your desk? Mr. President did you turn the goddam recorder on again?
POTUS: Maybe. I was looking down there in case I forgot about a Big Mac.
Recording ends.
[1] In other words, the White House playbook remains unchanged after a year of punts, miscues, dropped passes and fumbles at the goal line.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
