On March 10, my dog would have been 42 years old.

Don’t we wish pets lived as long as people? If they could do chores, win-win. He’s the star of my book, Dead Dog Walking on my Bed. (As yet unpublished because I’m stuck in Paris dealing with cheating notaires trying to steal my poor deceased mother's condo in the 9th arrondissement.)

The book (my third) is about all the paranormal events that have happened to me including my dead dog walking on my bed at night and scaring the crap out of me. I could feel him and his little paws and when I was sufficiently terrified and had to look, I’d throw off the covers and be faced with — — nothing. When I told my shrink what happened, expecting her to ask me if I took LSD on the reg, she instead said, “That’s happened to me before.”

Dead dogs come alive, y’all.

Kiko loved anything that was as small as he was. He almost lost his eyes millions of times because he could not resist a cat. Even when they hissed at him, bared their teeth and lifted a paw to strike, my dog would just look at me plaintively. I was useless as I too was afraid of the cat. He was like that kid at school who can’t find someone to eat lunch with and there is no football captain of the Dog Team to save the day and sit with him and become a meme.

The above picture was taken in the early ’80s in California. I had been invited to an ex-boyfriend’s house to meet his new girlfriend because men actually think that’s something their ex-girlfriends want to do.

And I did.

A chance to judge, to mock, to talk about it later with anyone I could get on the phone, are you kidding me? WHEN DO WE LEAVE? Turned out his ex was a heroin addict. Only he didn’t know it when they started going out. I've done the same thing with a guy I nicknamed DA, for Duck’s Ass, and now, hundreds of years later, I can’t remember why.

So we’re at the ex’s and someone brought their baby with them. A tiny, squirmy baby. So naturally, my dog went over to say hello and take his life in his paws. And me without a dog Défibrillateur. (Sorry, been in France too long.)

The baby, like a cat, was not a fan and started pounding on his head. As everyone knows, babies are vicious.

Ditto cats.

Ditto ex-boyfriends.