Our AI Is Totally Safe and Will Only Be Used as our Eccentric Billionaire CEO Intends
It’s not the end of the world, just the start of his.
I’m so sick of all these doomsaying Luddites claiming our AI is gonna be Skynet. That’s a terrible name for an AI. We’re gonna call ours BittyBrain.
Besides, our CEO is never gonna let our AI be used as a military tool. He doesn’t support the military, or even the concept of nations. He believes we should all live in a stateless utopia where a single super-company identifies and services all of our wants and needs, eliminating all call for pointless competition or stressful decision-making. So what’s there to worry about?
Our AI is never gonna be all self-aware or whatever, either. Our CEO says half the reason he even wants the AI is to replace human employees who have gotten too self-aware, so why would he let the AI become what he’s trying to eliminate? Do you think he doesn’t know what he’s doing?
The man took over a dystopian sci-fi book club that had never made a cent and turned it into one of the most successful startup incubators in Silicon Valley. Then, he took control of all the most profitable companies it produced after all their founders mysteriously died, and he formed the largest e-commerce/advertising/social media/rare animal acquisition empire in the world. I think we’ll be fine.
Better than fine, really. Our CEO says this AI is gonna take our targeted ads to a whole ‘nother level. Can you imagine how much better your life will be when our AI gets you to buy all the things you never knew you wanted? Well, if you can’t, that’s just more proof that you need our AI, and probably a stateless utopia run by an omnipotent super-company.
Plus, the ad-verse is ever-expanding, you know, so it’s not just products our AI is gonna help you buy; it’s whatever a think tank or politician or visionary CEO has to sell. Do you know how much time people waste trying to keep up with everything that’s going on in our world on their own? And all of it’s so depressing. It’s hard to even believe in love after reading about your favorite sports betting influencer’s breakup. But our AI is gonna take care of all of that miserable work for us and just tell us what and who to support.
Can you even imagine how much emotional energy that’s gonna save us? I mean, I don’t even need the AI to tell me that who I should support is our CEO and his benevolent, world-saving AI, though obviously if it wants to tell me, I’ll listen, because it knows best.
I know people have been getting down on our CEO’s plans to automate away jobs en masse or whatever, but that’s just ’cause they don’t see the truth that he sees: most people’s jobs are soul-sucking, lifelong nightmares, and they’ll be better off when AI replaces them in the workforce. It’ll be like a permanent vacation, or, when our AI gets going, a never-ending shopping spree from the convenience of any of your dozen new sofas, which is even better. And if you honestly think people need jobs to make the money that allows a consumption-driven economy in a stateless utopia to function, then you just don’t understand crypto.
I’m just so pumped. It’s like our CEO says, AI is the future and the present, because the future is a present that AI will give us — but only if our CEO wants it to, because he’s in complete control. Anyway, do you wanna come over to my place tomorrow and online shop or whatever? I know it’s a weekday, but I got an email from my CEO saying that since we just launched BittyBrain into beta I’m gonna be starting on a grand vacation.
