SATIRE
Parable #9: Genesis
An excerpt from my religious satire novel Simple Tricks and Nonsense, narrated by a lonely deity known as God or Dog who just wants someone to play with.
In the beginning there was God or Dog, Me the Creator, Me the Almighty, Master of the Universe. For many long millennia, I resided alone in the heavenly sphere of stars and darkness and black holes and space, until one day, after five billion years, I realized that I was bored. Indeed, how could I not be? For, ever I won My endless games of solitaire, slapping down cards on the overturned TRINITRON box I used as My card table.
Heaven is such a terrible drag, I thought, as I flipped a card from My Deck and slapped down the Seven of Godordogs.
I sighed. It was just the card I needed to win the game. Again.
I shuffled the deck, dealt another hand, and flipped a card face-up to start the next round. That card was the Jack of Asses. I had created four universal suits: godordogs, winds, decks of cards, and asses (just because I found that amusing). The suits were named in Order of Creation, with Myself being eldest, followed by the things I had created: Winds, Decks of Cards, and My Ass, which I had created to sit upon and play solitaire to counter My boredom.
I looked down at the Jack of Asses, and suddenly it was caught in the Winds of Rising and Change, and was torn free from My hand. The Jack fluttered peacefully through the air — floating, floating — before landing under the edge of My TRINITRON box.
And I was amused. I clapped My hands gaily and let out a yelp of joy that was never heard (the concept of Sound having not yet been created). Most amusing, I thought, is this spontaneity of the Winds to carry the Jack of Asses so! There were, of course, seventeen Great Winds: Change, Gale, Sneeze, Hiccup, Time, Stretch, Space, Hurricane, Snort, Kiss, Virulence, Matter, Sweetness, Heat, Rising, Falling, and Red.
Just then, I felt very selfish. I desired mental stimulation. Someone with whom to converse. I had a sudden whim. I picked up the Jack of Asses and looked at it, fluttering in the Winds of Hiccup and Stretch, and I smiled. I smiled at the spontaneity of the Winds, even though I — Master of the Universe — controlled all the actions of the Winds as they acted where they pleased when they pleased for My pleasure by My will alone.
This contradiction amused Me as well, and I’d spent many long eternities in mental masturbation contemplating the spontaneity of the Winds which I controlled fully.
But I felt My mind drifting, and decided to focus, for now, on the present (though the concept of Time was but a Wind). I looked down at the Jack of Asses, and thought aloud: “If I had someone to talk with, then perhaps Heaven wouldn’t be such a terrible drag…” And for a moment the thought of speaking with the Jack of Asses greatly amused Me. So I began to tear the Jack of Asses out of its paper card.
The edges tore crudely at first, then melded into perfect lines. All that remained now was the figure of the Jack of Asses, which looked quite a bit like My behind. How amusing, I thought, though it wasn’t really amusing, since it was the reason I’d named the suit “asses.”
As I looked down at the Jack of Asses, so similar to My own, it was almost as though the Jack were speaking to Me; almost as though My ass were speaking to Me; standing erect and tall and proud, speaking with its own voice by its own will by My will alone.
I was greatly amused by the Jack of Asses’s “speech.” So I mused: Would it not be splendid were I to create a new “Jack of Asses” that was its own deck of cards, which could reproduce more decks of cards on its own? These jacksofasses, then, might eternally amuse me! For, would they not be affected by the same Winds which amuse me so?
Yes, I knew of course, was the answer. So I created a plantation where everything would be provided for My jacksofasses. I created 123,456 of them. They awoke on the plantation to a new dawn, and found milk and honey and bread before them. All was there that the jacksofasses needed, and they grew happy and content.
I watched the Winds blow over them, and the jacksofasses saw envy in each others’ eyes, and envied their brothers in return. Rather than reproducing, they fought viciously and without remorse. The small cadre of jacksofasses did nothing else except fight amongst themselves, make dirty jokes, and eat all the food I had provided for them. Then they fought amongst themselves some more, made dirtier jokes, and ate the stale remnants of their food. After which they fought amongst themselves even more, made cruder jokes, and ate their own feces.
The jacksofasses’ numbers diminished until they disappeared completely. And I was most displeased, for it was clear I had done what I called a “fuckup.” And the Creator of the Universe did not like fuckups.
I called, then, upon the Great Winds once more, willing them to act of their own will by My will alone. The Wind of Sneeze blew a million floating kernels into the heavenly ether, kernels that wafted fancifully down, and, in that instant, I thought a thought and — pop! — the kernels popped. I held out My hand like a great bowl and gathered a million popped kernels therein, then sat in popcorn meditation — contemplating My fuckup.
After many long millennia, I smiled. I had it. With a snap, I created the concepts of male, female, and the orgasm — to ensure propagation of the species. How did I not see it before? I wondered; and yet I knew the answer at once. How could the jacksofasses procreate and create their own decks of cards without a means to do so? I shook My head. How frightfully silly of Me!
Then I created a new habitation, and planted another cadre of jacksofasses, both male and female. But I noticed right away that the jacksofasses envied each other even more. I was about to intervene and end the experiment, thinking I’d done another fuckup, when I saw that, while the jacksofasses envied each other even more, they also loved each other more. The orgasm had paid off, I knew.
And I was pleased. I watched as the jacksofasses propagated and spread through the lands. I waited patiently for a righteous and pious jackofasses to die and come up to Heaven to speak with Me.
But I realized a curious thing had happened, though I hadn’t planned it (which, of course, meant that I had planned it fully). Not a single jackofasses ever made it to Heaven. Every single one was barred from the Gates of Light.
I immediately discerned the reason why — the reason I already knew. The Great Wind of Red, on its own counsel by My will alone, had closed the Gates of Light to the jacksofasses; closed those Gates leading to the promised land, to that ocean of White Darkness where kernels floated freely in the air and a single cardboard box sat overturned, Myself slouched behind it.
I knew, but did not want to admit, that I couldn’t have just any companion in Heaven. I needed someone I could talk to; someone worthwhile, who cared. But none ever came.
I had done another fuckup.
Or had I? I wondered, already knowing the answer, knowing My Great Plan, My Great Design. I sniggered like a child. For it was then that I created the Alternative Holy Card for My Deck of Cards: a “card,” a being, that was at once an ass, a godordog, a deck of cards, and a wind. This card was My son, My one and only true son, with utterly free will by My will alone.
I knew that I must send My son — the Alternative Holy Card — out amongst the jacksofasses, to guide them from their plantation unto Heaven, lest they veer once more from the righteous path. And the most brilliant stroke, I knew, was that the Alternative Holy Card, being a card after all, could be reshuffled and re-dealt as many times as I needed to get the Message across to the jacksofasses. It was brilliant.
But first, before sending the Alternative Holy Card out amongst the jacksofasses, I rejoiced, for I finally had someone to talk to!
