Paw Patrol and Pokemon: The Only Back-to-School Primer You’ll Ever Need

With the new school year off and running, it’s important for parents to understand their child’s growing brain in order to foster meaningful social, emotional, and intellectual connection. Child development experts may disagree, but in my experience there are two critical stages to childhood: the Paw Patrol stage, and the Pokémon stage.

The Paw Patrol stage typically runs from ages 2–5, and Pokémon is either ages 5–12 or 5–50.

In case you’re unfamiliar, Paw Patrol takes place in the fictional seaside town of Adventure Bay. There’s Mayor Goodway and the rival town Mayor Humdinger, who stirs up all sorts of trouble, reminding us that politics is blood sport, even on Nick Jr.

But the real action revolves around a young boy named Ryder, who has trained a cohort of bilingual pups to maintain law, order, and fun. He’s got a state-of-the-art Paw Patrol tower, planes, hovercrafts, boats, choppers, cars, trailers, drones, and a bigger budget than LIV Golf.

So it’s reassuring that Ryder appears to possess a preternaturally cool and even temperament; I’ve never seen the kid rattled. But he’s like, eight. He could still have a massive tantrum because there’s no ketchup to go with his chicken nuggets, or he already had his sweet treat with lunch, and now it’s time for a healthy dessert. All I’m saying is if I’m Goodway I don’t hand him the nuclear codes.

During the Paw Patrol stage I made a remarkable discovery. We had playdates with different families with different backgrounds at different houses, but they all had the same Paw Patrol toys. It was like going to a McDonald’s — same menu, same taste, same regrets, same nap. These guys are good.

Pokémon is, well, Pokémon. It has over 1,000 fictional creatures and counting, and the single most brilliant line in marketing history: Gotta catch ’em all. In case you missed it, that’s an order — you have to catch them all. But you can’t. Because they will keep making more. Translation: keep spending. These guys are good.

In our household, it’s been the Summer of Pokémon. Currently, my boys’ favorite activity is to lay out their cards on the floor, rearrange them in their binders, exchange views about which Pokémon is better, snatch away the card that is deemed to be better, run away and slam doors, make threats, yell, and cry, then have their binders taken away by Mom and Dad until they can learn to treat each other with some kindness and respect for once.

I could do without the theatrics, but I love the passion. If they spend half the time studying school subjects as they do poring over Pokémon, we can start planning for early retirement and Viking Cruises. But they’ll probably just keep studying Pokémon.

Pokémon — it’s just the water we swim in now.

- Morning, Alex. What do you want for breakfast?

- Did you know Drowzee does 30 damage? And Blastoise does 90 but he’s a First Generation.”

- Oh.

- But he has 170 health. And Revavroom has 140 health, but he’s not a V-star. Question: do you think Quaquaval is a fire or water Pokémon?

- Umm…water?

- Correct. He’s a stage 2 evolution, but Diglett is a basic. When can we get more Pokémon?

- So toast?

For young school-age children, Paw Patrol and Pokémon is the coin of the realm, the kids’ version of talking about traffic and the weather. For an opener, kids can never go wrong with, “So who’s your favorite Paw Patrol / Pokémon?” For parents who have exhausted traffic and the weather, simply modify: “So who’s your (son’s/daughter’s) favorite Paw Patrol / Pokémon?” It couldn’t hurt to have your own answer, in case the breeze blows that way.

I’m a realist — it’s also about power and networking. Last weekend we were a laaaaaaate addition to an otherwise all-girls birthday party because at summer camp my son promised to give Pokémon cards to anyone who invited him to their birthday party. I’m telling you, this kid could negotiate with North Korea.

So consider this your back-to-school primer. The sooner you can grasp Paw Patrol and Pokémon, the better you’ll navigate the early school-age years to arrive at the next big developmental stage, Harry Potter.

The cycle never ends. Pass the butterbeer. These guys are good.