The Haven
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The Haven

The President puts forward his new Vice President, while Mike Pence tries to hail a cab to take him home to Indiana. (Gage Skidmore)

Pence Out, Pruitt In

President needs “good guys” who “break laws to make laws”

In a move that would have shocked the nation last year, but barely registered a yawn now, the President announced this week that he is replacing Vice President Mike Pence with EPA secretary Scott Pruitt. “Mike’s a nice guy and all,” he told reporters, “some might even call him a good guy, but he’s too squeaky clean. God bless the Christians, and I mean that, but they don’t like to get their hands dirty. Scott is a great guy who’s willing to bury his arms up to the shoulders in toxic goo.”

“Mike’s a nice guy…but he’s too squeaky clean. God bless the Christians, and I mean that, but they don’t like to get their hands dirty. Scott is a great guy who’s willing to bury his arms up to the shoulders in toxic goo.”

The transition will occur, not during the 2020 campaign, but effective immediately. “Mike needs to get the wind under his sails for his next Gubernatorial campaign in Ohio and that won’t happen kissing my ass and repeating everything I say like a little toady, which he does right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful. Mike can kiss ass with the best of them. He can get that tongue right up there and squeal like a little Republican piggy, but I need my piggies to roll in the muck.”

The President brought Pruitt to the front and picked a nit from his hair. Then he made him look down and pulled Pruitt’s chin. He finished with a giant bear hug. “Scott here is a super guy. He’s not just good people. He’s the best people. Like Mike Flynn, Paul Manafort, Rob Porter and my personal lawyer Mike Cohen. Super duper guys. The best of the best. Look what Scott accomplished in the last year. He’s managed to undermine every environmental law passed by Congress and Crooked Hillary’s puppet Obama. He knows you have to break laws to make laws.”

“Look what Scott accomplished in the last year. He’s managed to undermine every environmental law passed by Congress and Crooked Hillary’s puppet Obama. He knows you have to break laws to make laws.”

The New York Times’ Maggie Haberman interrupted, “Mister President, what does that statement even mean?”

POTUS, still furious over Haberman’s articles, put his hand to his ear like a hearing aid. “Is someone talking? I don’t hear anyone talking. Do you?”

Another reporter shouted the same question. 45 held up his thumb in a right-on gesture. “Hey, I make the cryptic statements. It’s not my fault if you’re too damn dumb to figure them out.”

FOX News’ John Decker pressed, “Mister President, how can you promote a man this deep into the lobbyists’ pockets?”

“Scott isn’t in the lobbyists pocket,” the President shot back. “The lobbyists reward him for thinking the way they think. Nothing more American than that. Look at the swamp, the Democratic cesspool we came to drain. Who gives them money? Poor people. That’s right. Poor people on welfare, your tax dollars, give the Democrats billions of trillions of dollars every year to obstruct what we’re trying to do. And the NCAA. They give trillions too. And immigrants. They take your welfare dollars and feed it straight back to the Democratic machine.”

“Scott isn’t in the lobbyists pocket. The lobbyists reward him for thinking the way they think. Nothing more American than that.”

“Do you mean the NAACP?” CNN’s April Ryan tried to clarify.

“Someone doesn’t listen,” POTUS replied. “See how lazy these people are? Don’t listen to their President and expect him to fill them in. Scott’s going to put an end to that. He’ll do for this country what he did for the environment.”

The President curtailed the conference and left to call French President Emmanuel Macron and inform him that the US was pulling out of the European Union. “A terrible deal,” he muttered as he wandered away. “Worse than Iran, and NAFTA, and the TP.” TP which, incidentally, no one wanted to tell him was stuck to his shoe.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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