Personal Growth Through Mandatory Compliance Videos
Binge watching for self-improvement
Recently a number of disturbing emails have made their way to my inbox here at HR. Each one detailing unprofessional behavior you’ve exhibited at the workplace. This trend cannot continue. You need to learn better self-control and how to make better choices. To that end you have been assigned a number of courses to watch, focusing on sensitivity training. Quite a few courses. All of them actually. Every one we could license, and a few new ones I acquired specifically for you. At great expense to the company, I might add.
The most frequent complaints were from the woman of the office; While there is nothing wrong with sharing a few pictures from your recent vacation (the PowerPoint may have been a bit much), you want to avoid showing anything that might be considered “provocative”. As a general rule anything showing a visible tan line or suggestive poses are probably not appropriate for a wider viewing audience. No one believes you were doing yoga in those shots and even if you were “upwards eggplant” is not an actual pose.
Assigned Link: Drawing the Lines of Decency
Despite your claims to the contrary a number of interns have come forward declaring your “neck massages” are neither relaxing nor particularly therapeutic. One described the experience as “torturous”, two have applied for physical therapy to address resulting neck pain and the others just agreed that you’re a general pain in the neck. Actually, most didn’t use the word “neck”.
Assigned Link: Look, Don’t Touch.
As if touching were not enough, in light of the recent pandemic, management would like to remind you to limit all forms of physical contact including handshakes. In your case that extends to spitting into your palm to “seal a deal”, licking doorknobs and launching spit wads at people passing in the hallway. Nobody likes cleaning up spit wads. Or touching moist doorknobs.
Assigned Link: From Hero to Patient Zero
Also, nobody cares what your stance is on prayer in the classroom. All religions are protected against discrimination, even the crazy one you formed last month based on the “flavor orgasm” you experienced from your poke bowl. It should also be said however that your leftovers do not have protected status, regardless of the shrine you built for them. The smell has become, shall we say “compelling” and is also the subject of frequent complaints. And are those maggots?
Assigned Link: Cleanliness Over Godliness
Several people have reported that you can be overly aggressive at times. Confrontational. Your self-proclamations as an alpha dog does not give you the right to demean your co-workers (or the VP of Marketing who we found hiding in the printer nook). And it certainly doesn’t give you the right to urinate around other people’s workspaces. You do realize we have surveillance cameras installed throughout the building, right? Don’t make me watch that again.
Assigned Link: Anger Management for Idiots
Some of your early antics were considered folksy and amusing, but, like your leftovers, your jokes have started to grow a bit off-colored. Not only should you stop telling offensive stories, but the use of sock puppets as props are completely unnecessary and have an inappropriate attention to detail. When the grapes you used to make your point about plastic surgery started to shrivel you turned your humor to a statement on aging and alienated yet another segment of the protected class.
Assigned Link: Stupid Shit People Say
While it should go without saying that we shouldn’t touch others, it may be less obvious to someone such as yourself that you also shouldn’t be touching yourself while at the workplace. It does not matter if your thighs “yearn to breath” or that your poke bowl religion prohibits the use of clothing on Fridays. As your mom should have told you; “private parts are for private places”. Again, surveillance cameras. Save the dick pics for your dating apps.
Assigned Link: Keeping Your Dick in Your Pants
After the psychotic break you experienced yesterday maybe there are more fundamental issues that need to be addressed here. Even your imaginary yes men do not deserve to be publicly humiliated in the workplace. I can’t speak to their incompetence, but after your tirade I can understand “Mr. Squishy Dick’s” decision to seek employment elsewhere. I assure you that any disparaging remarks he might have made about you before he left have not found their way to my inbox.
Assigned Link: Playing Nice with Your Imaginary Friends
You can find your assigned videos on the Absorb link inside the company portal. Please complete….
<ding>
Oh. Well, never mind. As I was composing this, I received my own email from the CFO asking for an explanation for all the recently purchased videos. Based on the tone of his email I’m not clear if his questions were rhetorical and whether there is a real expectation that I complete any of the videos he has assigned to me;
Assigned Link: Ethical Expense Reporting
Assigned Link: When to Promote, When to Cut Bait
Assigned Link: How to Have Difficult Conversations
Assigned Link: Filing for Unemployment
Assigned Link: I’m Fired. Now What?
In the event that I’m not around to follow up on your progress, please complete your assigned videos by the end of the quarter and ask your manager for further guidance. However, just to summarize; Don’t be a dick. Don’t touch your dick. And seek professional help when your dick starts talking to you. Or your poke bowl.
Sincerely
Maureen Jackson, HR
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